Every spiritual aspirant knows the importance of meditation in one's journey. Common methods of meditation make it sound quite difficult, and it is a common perception that one would require atleast a quiet room, solitude and peace to meditate.
A large chunk of our day is spent in communication. Written, oral, chats, texts, there are so many means of conversing today! How would it be if we could meditate while talking? Can we imagine how many more hours of meditation that would add to our kitty each day?
But is it possible to meditate while talking? The very definition of talking and meditating seem to contradict. The next time you're in a conversation, observe carefully. While the other person talks, our mind is working rapidly, sort of half-processing the information received, and preparing a response, itching to interrupt the other person and express it. An adult has an average attention span of about 22 seconds. Immediately after listening to someone talk, we usually recall only about half of what we've heard; within a few hours, only about 20 percent. We talk so much, but we never really listen! Conversations involve so much inner noise, which is why the state is completely opposite to the silence meditation requires.
Is it possible to be silent and still have a wonderful conversation? Yes!
Anyone who's been serious about being a good communicator, knows about what is called 'full listening'. Full listening involves paying full attention to what the other person is saying. It involves giving the other person a chance to express himself fully, interrupting only to get a better understanding of what is being said. It may involve the listener summarizing at the end to check if he has understood properly. This kind of listening ensures a proper, healthy two-way communication where both parties can express their concerns and resolve an issue.
So is full listening the equivalent of meditation in communication? No, not yet. Meditation takes it a step further. When one maintains a calm, quiet and detached state of mind while communicating, one can go much deeper than just hearing the words, hence the name 'deep listening'. One is able to listen without any distractions, interpretations, judgments, conclusions, or assumptions - merely and open, curious mind. Deep listening attempts to understand not just the message, but the person behind the words.
When we are centered and our mind is quiet, it allows us to read between the lines, to observe the choice of words, the body language, and most importantly, the emotion behind the words. We are not concerned about our opinions or views, but interested in understanding exactly what the other person is feeling. Deep listening involves a state so calm, that it is actually therapeutic to the person venting his or her feelings.
So, tell me how to practice 'Deep Listening'
Especially in the beginning, it would be a good idea to remind yourself to listen deeply before the start of a conversation. We could do this by asking the other person to sit down, or asking if we could get a cup of tea or coffee before starting to listen. As you wait for the coffee to fill up, or as you sit down, take a deep breath and focus on calming down. Bring your focus to your heart, and feel the silence.
When the person begins to talk, allow yourself to calmly listen. When thoughts crop up, allow them to fade away, and resist interrupting the person. If you are able to sense any feeling as the person talks, you might want to verify it with the other person, for example, by asking 'Does that make you angry?' Remove any judgments or conclusions that crop up in your mind and bring your focus back to your heart again. In the same coin, do not give any advice until the very end.
Deep listening does not only involve listening to others. It allows you to listen to yourself too, and to life in general. When you find yourself getting frustrated, try focusing on what you are feeling, and not on what the other person is doing. This will increase your understanding of yourself, apart from helping you resolve your emotion faster.
Gimme an Example!
Person A: What a lousy morning!
Person B: Why, what's wrong?
A: My children delayed in getting ready again and I had to drive them to school. Messed up my whole schedule.
B: Why don't you try waking them up earlier?
A: Oh I've tried that, it doesn't work!
B: No, how about ..... (some other suggestion)
Here's how the conversation would change if person B was practicing deep listening.
Person A: What a lousy morning!
Person B: Why, what's wrong?
A: My children delayed in getting ready again and I had to drive them to school. Messed up my whole schedule.
B: That must have been frustrating.
A: Oh it was! Add to that my spouse's sudden lack of participation thanks to work pressures, and it's worse.
B: It must have been so rushed
A: Yes, it was. I have absolutely no time to spare in the morning. I wish I could get some of the stuff ready at night.
B: What is preventing you from doing that?
A: Hmmm.. nothing, actually. Maybe I should try that! Thanks for the idea!
In the first instance, B immediately jumped to the conclusion that A was not a good enough parent, and started advising (at a subtle level, indicating that B would know better how to handle the situation than A would). This threw A into a defensive mode, and the whole conversation would have probably left A feeling more frustrated and helpless.
In contrast, when B chose to calm down and listen with a non-judgmental attitude, A was able to vent his/ her feelings and there was no need for B to offer any solutions as it came from A itself. People can solve their own problems, if only we let them. If only, we choose to truly, deeply - listen.
Subscribe in a reader