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Right Now

Right Now

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As you look at your screen, as you breathe,
This moment, this instant
Someone out there is smiling
Someone else is breaking down

Somebody is letting the silence speak
Someone else is trying to shout over the din
Someone is unzipping a tent to a beautiful dawn
While someone else tucks her babies in

Somebody is standing atop a mountain
Letting her hair fly in the wind
Someone else is looking down, wondering
If he could end his pain by jumping

Someone is experiencing a first kiss
And someone else, their teary last
Somebody is excited about their latest adventure
Somebody else is losing hope, falling apart

Somewhere, right now, huddled around a fire
They’re playing the guitar, singing
Somewhere else a homeless man
Tries to fall asleep, shivering

Someone is delighted to hear
Their newborn’s first cries
Someone else’s heart screams
As a loved one slowly dies

Yes, somewhere, the dolphins are leaping
Mesmerised by the breaking dawn
Somewhere a tiger hides in wait
For a chance to attack that grazing fawn

Somewhere right now, clouds are floating
Making spectacular designs on morning skies
Waves are kissing the shores, to leave once more
And mountains are growing, touching new highs

Right now somewhere, flowers are blooming
Butterflies are flapping their tiny wings
Leaves are fluttering in surrender to the wind
Somewhere, a bird in all it’s gaiety sings

This instant, somewhere,
A star is being born
Elsewhere a black hole
Consumes all it once formed

Right now, this very moment,
Worlds are being formed, worlds are falling apart
Life is unfurling; are you here yet,
Or are you still lost in the future and past?

Are You Cancer?

Are You Cancer?

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Cancer is one of the worst diseases to have afflicted mankind. It isn’t just about affecting one person, and the ordeal doesn’t end when the disease ends. The family goes through intense suffering through physical exertion, multiple visits to the hospitals, the constant fear of losing a loved one, and guilt for not being able to do enough. And even after the disease is cured, IF it is cured, there is the terror of what each follow up check will reveal. It brings up emotions of hatred towards the disease, fear, anger, and what not.

Cancer is a disease, right? It’s something gone awfully wrong, in nature? But have we ever looked at life from the perspective of a cancerous cell? Just imagine. In a body where every cell is bound by it’s duty to the whole body, here’s a cell that decides to break free, to do what it wants. It puts it’s own needs ahead of the needs of the organism.

In the beginning, this is just about freedom, of multiplying it’s own kind. With every subsequent generation, these cells forget that they belong to the organism, and that the health of the organism is critical to their own survival. So very quickly priorities change, and now they start using the organism for their own growth. They now start feeding on the resources meant for other cells. Eventually, they multiply so far and wide, that they choke the free flow of nutrients in the body, damage other organs, and eventually cause death – of the organism, as well as themselves.

Yes.. have we ever looked at life from the perspective of a cancer cell? Now that we see it more clearly, I wonder, have we ever had any other perspective in our own lives? When the organism earth was healthy, every element, every molecule on this planet worked towards the ultimate good of the planet itself. And then one cancerous cell arrived. One human being decided that it was his own needs that were important, and others followed. With every generation, they forgot that they belonged to the earth, and the earth merely became something to own, something to use.

They started feeding on the resources meant for other beings, other parts of earth. Homes of millions of other beings were destroyed, leaving them homeless, to be domesticated, captured or killed if they ventured into human territory.

They have disrupted and polluted the circulation of vital nutrients – rivers have been killed, dammed or redirected to suit the whims and fancies of this species. Oceans have been polluted beyond recognition. Even outer space has not been spared. They care only about themselves, and about furthering their own clan, extending their own life span. Because to them, that is all that matters.

We look at a cancer patient and want to cry, wondering why nature would mete out a punishment this harsh to a soul this gentle. But what if WE are the cancer cell? What if we are the ones growing out of bounds, inching closer everyday to killing a beautiful, divine creation of God?

Cancer is a mere manifestation of the disease that is ripping the planet apart. A few gentle beings reflect this disease in a vain attempt to remind humanity of the disease it has become. If you study the human body carefully, you start to realise that every cell is important, every cell matters. And in this organism, this beautiful, divine earth, you matter. We can sit and ruminate about how mankind has gone haywire, but the critical question remains just this – ARE YOU A CANCER CELL TOO?

Am I?

Am I?

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I am a poet
But when I listen to music I wonder,
Why add words
To something so eloquent, so divine?

I’m a dreamer
But when I open my eyes, I wonder,
Why run away from perfection
Into the recesses of the mind?

I am a traveler
But when I look around, I wonder,
Why explore new places
When everyday I still discover something new about mine?

I am an artist
But when I sit to create, I wonder,
Can I truly express
When I am yet, myself to find?

I am a thinker
But when I seek answers I wonder,
Why chase meaning
When life has no reason or rhyme?

Ayurvedic Eating

Ayurvedic Eating

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Eat local, eat fresh, for a healthier diet

We had an interesting talk by an ayurvedic doctor yesterday. Although I knew much of what he shared with us, I realised that a lot in our group found the information completely surprising. So I share here the highlights of what I remember from the talk. Much of the information is tailored for South Indians.

Much of our eating habits are dictated by studies conducted on the opposite end of the planet. The vegetation, the weather, the genes and a whole lot of other factors are radically different from ours. Therefore, what is good for them is not necessarily good for us. That man’s food, in this case, is literally this man’s poison. Here’s how –

    • It is important to eat local: Rice is important for Bangaloreans

      If you live in Bangalore, rice should be a predominant part of your meals if you are a south Indian. If you are a north Indian, genes come in, so it should be rice 50% of the time and wheat the other 50%.

    • White rice has no nutrition at all, zero. It is polished 7 times before it reaches you. Semi polished (the light brown) rice contains 85% of the nutrition. The red coloured rice contains all nutrients. Water should preferably NOT be drained out. Draining of water is good only if one is using par boiled rice.

      For those using wheat, annapurna, ashirwad and other branded flours often use a process of milling the flour that makes them equivalent to maida (refined flour). Put a heap of wheat flour on your counter and pour some water on it. Leave for an hour. If it is hard to clean your counter, it is going to be hard for your body to clean your intestines.

    • Millets are very important

      Try working in ragi, jowar and bajra into your meals. Tremendously nutritious, they heal and nourish your body. AND they are local food. Since millets grow well even in harsh conditions, and because their demand is low, they are quite commonly grown without much pesticides. So you don’t even have to worry about buying organic millet.

    • Oil: Cold pressed oils are best, Sesame and coconut oils for Bangaloreans

      Excessive use of mustard oil is a big no no. It is meant for cold places. We’re tropical, warm and humid. Sesame and coconut oils are best. Refined oils take out all nutrition from the food and are practically useless, apart from the fact that the process of refining converts them to transfats (Oils are heated upto 450 degrees and shocked into cold temperatures during refining. Their boiling point is 120 degrees). Oils should be cold pressed, and heated only once, which means you throw it away if you use it for deep frying.

    • Oats, Soya and Apples are not for you if you live in the tropics

      Oats loosen the intestines and are great to eat where the weather is cold – and the intestines shrink and tighten. Where it is hot and humid, it causes the large intestines to lose their capacity to transfer food from one point to another, since muscles don’t work anymore. So, food will sit there and rot.

      Soya is very high protein, but it also has many many toxins. Apart from this is the fact that if it (or it’s seeds) is coming from the USA then it is almost surely genetically modified and not even percieved by the body as food. Furthermore, it is a commonly known fact that soya causes hormonal changes. Women eventually start having heavier periods and men develop breasts. Soya has a feminising effect on the body, to the extent of causing severe imbalances.

      Are you aware that the Apples you bought recently are probably around a year old? Ever stopped to wonder where the apples are grown? And which season they were harvested? By the time you eat an apple it is probably long dead. If you’ve eaten fresh apples, you know what real apples taste like. The apples you get in the market taste nothing like that. Again, apples are winter fruits. Not to be eaten throughout the year.

    • Salads are for cold countries

      When temperatures go higher than 16 degrees celcius, it allows bacteria to grow. People living in countries colder than that would do well to eat salads. Otherwise you are consuming a whole lot of germs that aren’t good for you.

    • Fruits

      Fruits are best eaten 1.5 hours before or after meals. Again, fruits should be eaten according to season. Bananas, papayas and pomogranates grow all year and can be consumed as such. Everything else, wait for the right season. Google it if you have no idea if a fruit grows in the current season. When you eat fruits, try not to mix fruits, just eat one type at a time.Dry fruits are good for the body, best soaked overnight. 3-4 almonds are good for an adult, soaked overnight and peeled, because the peel is not good (forgot why).

    • Seasonal eating

      Leafy greens are best during summer, avoid anything that grows under the ground, during the rains and eat root vegetables during the winter.

    • Non Vegetarian food

      Meat is not good for you (but we knew that already didn’t we?) because the way they are killed induces severe fear in them, which douses their muscles in adrenaline. This adrenaline does not go away with cooking, it goes straight to your system and makes you far more stress prone than your vegetarian self. Unless you get plenty of exercise after eating meat, it doesn’t get digested properly.

 

Apart from the things he spoke about, here are some things I follow –

    • A good, well balanced meal would contain all 6 tastes – sweet, salty, bitter, astringent, sour and pungent. (Read more about the 6 tastes and the related foods). If that is too much information to remember, just make sure you get all colours in the plate. It is also great to ensure you get all possible textures on the plate.

    • Make sure you avoid drinking water half an hour before, and half an hour after food. Drinking water or juices while eating dilutes digestive juices and will give you a heartburn or acidity problem later on. If you must, sip half a glass of warm water while eating. Absolutely avoid cold beverages.

    • Ginger tea is extremely good to improve digestion. Pour boiling water over ginger and pour it into a flask. Take a few sips whenever you like. It helps especially those who suffer from acidity and heart burns.

    • Eating a small piece of jaggery after meals improves iron absorption.

    • How you cook the food matters a lot in the vibration it carries. If you are angry or upset, take a few moments off, relax, and then cook. Chanting mantras or prayers during food has a deeply healing effect on the person who consumes it. If you practice Reiki or a similar form of healing, ensure you heal the food before you eat.

    • Mealtimes are best treated as meditation times and if you avoid watching television or discussing subjects that trigger emotional responses while eating, it will ensure that your food remains as clear of polluting vibrations, as possible.

  • Avoid Processed/ Packaged Foods
    Eat natural. Almost any processing of food takes away nutrition. In addition to this, most packaged foods contain excessive amounts of salts and sugars to make them tasty. Not only does this lead to associated health problems, but also causes our salt and sugar thresholds to increase, which means we will consume more salt and sugar on a daily basis. Scientific studies now indicate that the chemicals used to preserve foods damage health in the long term.

From the Heart

From the Heart

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It was a while ago, that I decided that I would only write about what I was learning, on facebook as well as here. Not about what I felt others needed to learn. I understand this has its downside; many have been asking me to say something for a while, and everytime I sit down to write something, I realise I have nothing to say. But, it is as it is.

So, I finally have something to say; this is personal, and I’m going to keep it that way. I pray that you find the guidance or help you seek, as you read through it.

I realise now, how I’ve been chasing for a long time. Having been brought up in a spiritual household, chasing was never a good thing, it was always looked down upon. We were still chasing, just in a much subtler way. Chasing money or material wealth was out of question, we had seen beyond that. Family was always the focus. I believe this is how it is anyway, for a lot of Indians – we value families and relationships.

But I see now, how a chase is still just a chase. Doesn’t matter what you are running after, it will leave you gasping and breathless after a while. The material chase is very common all over the world. People are chasing money and power in the blind conviction that it will solve all their problems. They laugh at the ‘lazy’ ones, those who don’t have enough drive to build two houses and buy two cars. The ‘lazy’ ones laugh back at them, because they see through the futility of that chase. You can earn all you like, but no one will cry when you die. All that matters in life is love, friendships and relationships. So that is what they chase, in the belief that if they invested enough in loved ones, they will be happy.

Then there are people who have seen through all of this. Yes, money does not make you happy, and yes, all people are selfish, and it is pointless to expect beyond an extent, from relationships. So they’d rather just chase God. Surely God, or the universe, or whatever else people call it – has the power to make them happy?

I had started seeing already that the spiritual path is not rosy and difficulties lie at every turn. But this one was still an eyeopener. The ‘spiritual’ ones just seem happier because the things that affect ‘normal’ people don’t affect them anymore. But they are still chasing, and they have their own share of disappointments, frustrations and tragedies.

Here’s what I have learned – nothing is going to make you happy forever. And I don’t mean this in a fatalistic way, with a sense of foreboding, the way I have heard it before. It just is as it is. This is life. Some days are going to be happy, some days are going to be sad. Some days you’re going to be wise, some days you’re going to be a complete idiot. Buddhi bhrasht, (messed up head) as we say in our family – a state we always prayed to God to protect us against. It’s all the same, in the end. No state is better than the other. Everything just is. Of course, this is not completely internalised for me yet, but I’m starting to learn.

Eventually all you can do is just surrender – not just to events, many of us do that already, in a bid to ‘not be affected’ by the circumstances – but also to the feelings. We need to feel what we are feeling. Whether we express it or not should still lie with our better judgment as far as possible, but again, if we mess up, it is as it is. There is nowhere to go, nothing to achieve. Things will happen anyway, life moves on and so do we.

Here’s a compilation of the lessons I’ve learned, from a practical perspective.
Stay in the present: Meditation isn’t about sitting for half an hour trying not to think. It is a moment-to-moment state of being. That half hour practice is great too, but it is just as important to remain vigilant towards our selves throughout the day. What am I thinking, what am I feeling? One thought or feeling isn’t better than the other, they are all just there and will pass.

Remember to feel what you’re feeling: Feelings are just feelings. They don’t make you a good or bad person. Every situation in life brings associated emotions with it, and it is ok to feel whatever you are feeling, whether it is wanting to eat that extra laddu or wanting to kill someone. Separate feeling from expression. It is ok to feel. Expression brings consequences. Feel. Express if it makes sense to you.

These are tough times, stay in the heart: Breathe the energies in and out of the heart as much as possible. Do it when things go wrong, do it as a meditation, whatever you like. But keep your attention on the heart at all times.

Raising Children

Raising Children

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Although I’ve had many students ask me to write an article on parenting, I’ve always hesitated for one simple reason – I am not a parent. And I find it strange to have to preach what I haven’t practiced, apart from the thought that what I suggest might not be practical. However, there are simple behaviour and mind related things that I might be able to suggest, which I hope you find useful.

So here it comes, tips for parents from someone who’s not a parent. Suggestions welcome!

I would begin by reminding all parents that no matter what you do, you’re going to ‘falter’ somewhere. We tend to forget that all children come with their own destinies, and no matter how hard you try, some things are going to go wrong, and your child is definitely going to get hurt through you – because the child needs those wounds to help it grow, much like a plant needs clipping from time to time for it to develop new shoots. So just do the best you can, and leave the rest to God.

One common thing I hear most parents say is that they don’t want their child to suffer like they did. In another instance these people will also tell you that their problems shaped their lives and they are what they are today because of the problems they had. Put those two together and see what you get.

Problems are the stepping stones to success. Problems also force a child to think on its feet and develop problem-solving abilities early in life – otherwise that part of the brain simply remains unused and undeveloped. So let your child face problems, and learn to deal with them on it’s own. Of course you would step in if things seem to be getting out of hand. But let the child make mistakes, and learn to fix them – on its own. Empathise – not sympathise, with your child. Believe in your child’s ability to deal with problems, and see how much of a difference that makes.

Which brings me to my next point. All around me in India when I meet parents of young children, I’m flooded with stories of how brilliant their child is. Parents always seem to be in a state of shock or surprise at how intelligent their child really is. Do we realise what happens when we react in awe when a child behaves intelligently? We’re subconsciously telling the child that we expected it to be stupid. Why else would you be surprised? Would you be surprised if an adult knew the capital of say, Germany? No, because that is expected of an adult. If an illiterate person knew this though, you may be surprised. Because you would expect that illiterate person to be ‘dumb’.

Ditto for the child; this kind of programming tells the child that it is actually stupid, and that intelligent behaviour is a cause to celebrate. It also gets the child addicted to approval. Eventually the child will want approval for every intelligent thing it says or does. And as an adult, that’s going to lead to problems in motivation – something many of us are already facing.

Trust the Child
Children are very intelligent. Even babies. They are not dumb, and even when they cannot speak, they understand what’s going on. So it would be a very wise thing to treat that baby as an intelligent adult present in the room, and not lie to it – because it is learning from your behaviour every moment.

I read recently that a man spoke to his baby as an adult and played classical music to it as an experiment, and found that his child developed high IQ levels. The stimulation a child receives as an infant is quite critical to brain development. A coddled and overprotected child does not receive enough stimulation.

Also, children are very sensitive and aware of what they need. When you allow a child to eat what it wants and how much it wants, you allow the child to stay in touch with its body. By forcing a child to eat things against its wish, you are very likely cutting off that connection. Of course, all this holds true until the child is introduced to junk foods and refined sugar.

However, a child that is allowed to stay in touch with its body will eventually not find these foods very appealing.The child’s body is also fully equipped to tackle most diseases, so it would be wise to not bomb its system with frequent antibiotics. An adult’s body takes more than a year to recover from a course of antibiotics. Stick to holistic systems as much as possible.

Another thing to watch out for is labels. Avoid labels like ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘intelligent’, ‘talented’, ‘dull’, etc. Labels, even good ones, limit the scope of a person’s growth. Remind yourself that no matter what the child is or does you will love the child anyway, and act accordingly.

I read a beautiful novel once, which traced the lives of a batch of students from Harvard. When these people met several years later, they agreed upon one thing. ‘Harvard taught us to succeed, but they didn’t teach us how to live’. It was a very powerful and moving end. Is your child going to feel the same way tomorrow?

We are very score-oriented in India and act as if poor scores will result in an unhappy future for the child. But happiness is in the moment! Happiness is a choice and if your child knows this, it will be happy even if it’s earning half of what its peers do. Be clear in your mind and heart – do you want a happy child or a successful one? A child trained to be happy will most probably be successful too. But will a child trained to be successful be happy? Doubtful.

I’ll end with Mahatma Gandhi’s principle – ‘Be the change’. Parents are Gods to children and they learn from everything you do, every act and every word you say. They’re watching you and cloning you. Be someone that’s worth cloning, and that begins, I believe, by loving yourself whole heartedly.

No More Problems

No More Problems

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Anything that doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger

My young, gifted magician friend once made the mistake of levitating in front of a bunch of kids, and life was never the same again. All the children in the apartment now believed that he could fly, and he was plagued by these kids everytime they spotted him, whether he was returning from college or out for a run. It was quite frustrating to be surrounded by a bunch of kids, pulling and twisting his arms, trying to bully him into levitating once again for them. He didn’t want to hurt them, while they had no qualms about hurting him.

I ran into him once, while he was in the midst of another of these torturous moments. He looked at me, hoping I would help somehow, but all I did was tell him to relax. “Stop resisting, let them do whatever they want”. “What!?” “Yup”. And so he let go, and within just 2 or 3 seconds, the boys ran off as if nothing had happened. It was… magic. And he was shocked at how unbelievably easy it was.

This is exactly how it is with problems. I’ve always said that problems are like quicksand, and the more you resist, the deeper you sink, but nothing could have presented this idea more lucidly than this incident. Problems exist, problems are inevitable, but what is unnecessary is the hoopla that surrounds it.

A client mentioned to me yesterday that he believed being spiritual was about feeling peace, and that meditation was about not having any thoughts. Yes, being spiritual is about having no problems in life at all – because there ARE no problems. Spiritual is an outlook – every difficulty is a challenge that enables your growth, keeps you alive. It is about being at peace with your challenges, not making a problem out of every difficulty. And meditation is about being in peace with, and being aware of your thoughts.

Again, the basic step to proceed any further would be observation and deep listening to oneself – for one cannot change an aspect of oneself unless it is first identified. Please read this article on Deep Listening, if you haven’t already done so.

Here are the common behaviors I’ve observed in myself and others, that may tend to compound an already existing problem.

Why Me?
Often the first reaction to problems that test our capabilities, is ‘why is this happening to me?’. Most of us have been brought up on a staple dose of fairy tales which taught us that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Not only is this untrue, but it is a belief system that brings us considerable pain in the long run. Things just happen. The mind tries to make sense of it, tries to rationalize it and fit it into a pattern so that it can ‘protect’ itself the next time, but this is just the obsession of a confused mind, nothing else.

Chasing the solution
Once we have acknowledged a problem, there is a strong tendency to ‘fix it’. So keen are we, that we run from pillar to post, seeking a solution, often not staying long enough anywhere to really be helped. Very often we then get addicted to the chase itself, forgetting altogether that the whole purpose was to solve the problem.

It is important to accept the problem first and relax in it. If we are trying to escape the present, the future isn’t really going to get any better.

If you find yourself lost in the chase for a solution, give yourself a small time frame in which you promise yourself not to chase anything. During this time, give your complete attention to understanding the problem from all aspects, and accept the situation as it is.

How do you accept the situation? Meditate – observe your thoughts, and don’t be alarmed at your own thoughts. Accept them as the natural thoughts of any person in your position. Consider the worst case scenarios, and be mentally prepared to face them. You are strong enough, and you’ll sail through this too.

Believing its going to last forever
Nothing new here, most of us know already the phrase ‘this too shall pass’, but it becomes very hard to imagine that these bad times will clear the way for good times in the future, when you’re in the heat of the moment. It is ok if the understanding is superficial, but it still helps to be able to remind oneself of the nasty as well as the good times in the past which passed away. Nothing lasts forever.

Allowing others to convince you that you can’t handle it
Sympathy is a killer. While it feels great to have someone patronizing come and sympathize with the mess you are in, they are indirectly telling you they have no faith in your abilities to tackle the situation. And like it or not, you’re going to start believing this too. Surround yourself with people who have faith that this is not a big deal for you – not the kind that expect you to tackle the problems in the particular way, or those who feel sorry for you. If you crave the company of such people, that’s also alright, but just be aware of it and observe how you feel when you are around them.

Lastly, if the problem brings up strong emotions, then it could even be a projection of our own mind. Dealing with intense emotions, followed by creating a healing space for oneself can be quite helpful.

Really Letting Go

Really Letting Go

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When I first learned Reiki, every thing was about problem solving. We’d request Reiki to help us make everything go our way – get well soon, get that score/ promotion/ job we wanted, let that nasty person stay away, or even something as simple as being able to eat gulab jamuns soon. But problems are a part of life. Get rid of one, and another takes it’s place. A desire for a problem-free life is a futile dream. We realised that life wasn’t about making things go your way, it was about learning to accept things as they are. So then we’d request Reiki to help us accept the situation as it was. It seemed we’d made great progress!

We know that happiness starts to seep in when we remain in the present moment. Chasing anything – money, power, fame, stability, a state of oneness in relationships, better marks, an award, give us temporary pleasure during the chase when we imagine our besotted future, and another few moments if we achieve it. Then we’re faced with the void again, and we need to chase something soon before we go insane. The only way to be free from this loop is to accept the present as it is.

This is where the catch comes in. While accepting things as they are is a beautiful endeavor, most of us forget that the desire to accept things as they are often comes from a desire to be at peace. Which is a sign that you are NOT accepting your present emotions as they are. So there is a big difference between really embracing things as they were, and the desire to accept things – because the latter is again a chase, and not in the present moment at all.

When a friend told me recently that he had been focused on being a better human being ever since he was little, I asked him why. Startled, he realised that the only reason he wanted to be better was because he didn’t accept himself for who he really was. We’re going to get better anyway, whether we like it or not. There may be short stints where we go crazy and appear like we’re regressing, but that is all part of the growth, and will happen even if we make growth the agenda of our lives. It is natural to grow. But if that drive – to be a better human being is replaced by a deep acceptance of ourselves with all our flaws, it will allow us to really experience peace, and to really love ourselves and others.

So love and peace are not a chase, they are in this moment, right now. All we need to do is completely relax into the present moment, no matter how uncomfortable it seems. Kind of like when we’re learning to swim for the first time, and the water terrifies us, and then we realise that we can trust the water, and slowly start to loosen up. We can trust life, we can slowly start to loosen up, slowly start to embrace what is, all the flaws included. Right Now.

QnA: Assessment Vs Judgment

QnA: Assessment Vs Judgment

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Are you passing judgments without giving them the benefit of doubt?

I just love it when someone asks me a nice, sensible question! Here’s another lovely question from a lovely student.

Question:

Hi Ashwita,
I was following this recent post of yours about extrovert and introverts which went a little offtrack, and you mentioned, we are not comparing, and judging. That got me thinking, and I have been wondering – Is Judging a wrong thing to do ? Isnt judging someone a mere reflection of our own image ? and if judging is wrong, why is everyone doing it all the time ? Isnt it more spontaneous ? It need not come out vocally, but isnt it a thought ? and is that not involuntary ? How can we stop our thoughts from judging or not judging a person , as we are trained in our mind to do so.

How to identify from what is judging, and what is expressing concern or expressing opinion? I want a clear thought, Can you please help me with this?

Ashwita:

To say that judging is wrong, would be a judgment in itself 🙂 But yes, judging is not a productive process and usually tends to cause pain to the person judging as well as the person being judged.

We only judge others with parameters we use on ourselves, so being aware of the judgments we make on others can be a huge learning experience if we want to understand our own minds.

However, it is possible that you have confused assessment and judgment. The former is required, the other is quite dispensable. You are right though, that judgment has become quite natural to our behaviour – but i believe that that is not because it is really natural, but because it is a very early learned behaviour – one of the first things our parents do is judge us, so we learn it quite quickly. You can let go of this behaviour just like you would let go of any other habit – by observation and acceptance.

So what is the difference between judgment and assessment? Assessment is observing and making notes about the characteristics of a person. For example, if you notice that a friend of yours lied, you might make a mental note of that, and then take her words with a pinch of salt when she talks the next time. A good assessment is hugely beneficial in protecting oneself against possible harm.

Judgment on the other hand, is assessment + opinion. Now once you realise that this friend lies, if you jump to the conclusion that she is mean and horrible, then that would be a judgment. This would affect your behaviour around her, no matter how you tried, and eventually it might lead to problems in the relationship. The biggest problem in judgment is that it doesn’t take into account the fact that your assessment might be wrong. Maybe that wasn’t a lie at all, maybe it was said because of really dire circumstances, or maybe she’s honest only with you – you never know.

Assessment would be awareness of the other person’s flaws without getting emotional about it. It is based in the broad belief that human beings have flaws and it is perfectly natural to be flawed – it allows us to accept ourselves and others completely and allows us to love more wholly. When we are very judgmental, we tend to lie to ourselves about our shortcomings, because we have an image to live up to. This prevents real growth.

And I’ve just used a small example of lying but we know things can get a lot more serious than that. We’re a very judgmental society and we judge everyone from dark skinned people to introverts, unmarried people to divorcees, and even rich and poor people. We forget that our opinion really doesn’t matter at all to anyone except ourselves.

Ofcourse I know that you’re aware by now that judgments you apply on others, you also apply on yourself, so when you do the same thing you’re judging another about, this is how your own image of yourself will also look – and that will make it that much harder for you to love yourself. And when we make judgment, from my experience I know that we have to go through those situations eventually, in this life or next, to understand what that person was really going through.

I hope that answers your question 🙂

Sympathy Vs Empathy

Sympathy Vs Empathy

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Are you helping them up or pushing them down?

 We have grown up in a society where one is allowed, or even expected, to feel sorry for someone in trouble. To be worried for a loved one is seen as a normal thing, as a sign of concern, affection or love.

But when we sympathise, what are we really expressing, and where is it coming from? When a loved one is in pain, it is quite natural to feel disturbed, and many of us find it hard to see them in that situation, and try our best to pull them out of it. Does this truly pull them out of their mess?

Sympathy and empathy are quite different, and while the latter can help someone quite dramatically, the former can, despite the best intentions, crush a tired soul.

Believe it or not, sympathy is an ego-driven emotion. It is based in the belief that we are somehow superior to the troubled one by the virtue of not being in trouble or having been through it already. It is also based in the need to be needed – a sympathetic person subconsciously believes that the troubled one is not strong enough to handle the problem on his/ her own and needs his/her help to resolve the issue. Therefore the desperation to help the other out, even if the other hasn’t asked for help.

Think about it – if you saw an old man and a teenager fall down simultaneously, whom would you rush to help first? Obviously the old man, because you’d reason that the teen can help himself, but the old man may not be able to. When you believe that a person is incapable of helping himself, you tend to rush to help, irrespective of whether the person has asked for help or not. And in this process, you are subconsciously telling them that you don’t think they are strong enough to handle the problem on their own. Consider the impact of a belief like that on one who is already crumbling under the weight of problems.

Empathy stems from an underlying belief that the other person is completely capable of handling the problem. One would offer to help but not force advice down the person’s throat. An empathetic person would spend much more time listening to the problem, and much less time offering advice. An empathetic person would also be less judgmental, thereby aiding healing, since the other person would be encouraged to feel more self-love and judge himself less harshly.

Here are a few typical statements:
Sympathy: “I know exactly what you’re feeling!”
Empathy: “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re going through right now”
What is really going on: We tend to feel sympathetic when we see a person facing a problem which we internally believe we could not have handled ourselves. That is why we get so disturbed when we see them in it. No matter what the problem is, even if you have been through a similar problem in the past, it is still not identical to the problem being described – the circumstances are totally different. A sympathetic person projects his own problems onto the person, and therefore believes strongly that he knows exactly what the person is talking about. An empathetic person on the other hand, can see clearly that the situation is something he or she has not been through before, so it would be hard to know exactly what the person is going through right now.

Sympathy: “I’m sure if you do this your problem will be solved”
Empathy: “What do you think is the best way to tackle this? Have you tried ?”
What is really going on: Since the sympathetic person believes that the other is incapable of handling his own problems, he takes it upon himself to solve the other’s problems. Solutions are offered one after the other, and this problem takes up much of his time and energy. Even after the other person has finished sharing the problem and gone home, the sympathetic person continues to pace and worry, making his problems his own. What he’s really doing, subconsciously, is asking himself what he would have done, had he been in the same situation. It has nothing to do with the other person.

An empathetic person would stay somewhat outside the picture, being able to see and show the larger perspective, maybe thus offering a larger scope for solutions. It can be compared to a person drowning. A sympathetic person would jump right in, only to realise that he can’t swim either, pulling the other person down with him. An empathetic person would stay out of the water and see if there is any way he can help from outside.

Sympathy: “I just can’t see you like this!”/ “You’re not thinking straight!”
Empathy: “You’re strong, you’ll see this through, just have patience/ faith”
What is really going on: Again, this sympathetic statement is stemming from the internal belief that the person is incapable and not strong enough. The empathetic statement directly conveys confidence and strength, and helps the person have more faith and confidence in himself.

How to be more empathetic
The first step would obviously be identifying when we are being sympathetic, which would require self-observation. Deep listening also helps quite a bit in this process. Once this is done, it is important to understand that we are trying to solve the problem for ourselves, out of our own fears, and not out of genuine concern for the other person. The last step would be to consciously remind ourselves that this person is completely capable of handling the problem on his or her own, and let our thoughts and words follow accordingly.