When we think of relationships, compromise almost seems a synonym. Of course, right? How could a happy relationship exist without compromise? Any relationship – whether romantic, family, in-laws or friends involves different, sometimes diametrically opposite people.

While one likes football, the other may like the Opera. One might seek thrill outdoors while the other might want to curl up under blankets to relax. One might like to get things off the chest by confronting, while the other might be willing to do anything to avoid a confrontation. Sooner or later, these two people will have to meet midway. Compromise?

I may be wrong in saying that compromise poisons a relationship. So let me begin with what compromise means to me – to compromise is to ‘settle’ for something less than desirable, often as a result of perceiving no other choice.

But here’s the thing. When you really love someone, it doesn’t feel like one is ‘settling’. These things are voluntary. A friend once mentioned how he watched painfully cheesy romantic films along with his girlfriend. When I asked him why, he said that he enjoyed these times nevertheless because it brought him joy to see her happy. It wasn’t compromise, it was choice. And that makes all the difference.

Choice is voluntary. Compromise is forced, or perceived as such, due to lack of other options. Compromise seeks a payoff, and on not finding enough, it can create considerable resentment. Over time, resentment from compromise builds up, leading to cracks in the relationship.

Choices are most found in parent-child relationships. Parents willingly give up many things to bring comfort, security or happiness to the child. This happens because parents are almost always aware of their love for the child. This is something that somehow disappears in most other relationships.

Look for a win-win

Most times when we seek compromise, the underlying attitude is really about how both can lose equally, ‘adjust’ equally. If we can take a step back here, and go back to love, take the attention to how both people can get the best of the situation, then things change, even if it is the same solution.

Go back to love

The older a relationship gets, the more tedious and tiring it tends to become. Patterns repeat, and we seek easy ways out. If we let this fatigue motivate us to find a solution, we will end up with another tiring mess. Instead, the moment we become aware of a desire to brush things under the carpet, we can bring our complete awareness to the situation. We can remind ourselves of the love we have for this other person, whether parent, spouse, sibling or child, and ask ourselves how we can really resolve this problem, instead of just temporarily ‘fixing’ it.