Whenever I talk about acceptance and surrender, one question that inevitably comes up  is ‘so then how do I deal with this person who is hurting me, do i just stop reacting? Won’t they hurt me more if I stop giving it back? Won’t their egos get bigger?’

It is a relevant question, and one of the hardest life lessons to learn is effectively dealing with those who are hurting us.

It is about you, not them

The first, hardest thing to embrace is that whatever problem it is, it isn’t about that other person. No matter how vindictive, how sick, idiotic or sadistic they have been, it is your own negativity they are reflecting back to you. The whole world is your mirror, and every person reflects back an aspect of you. Some reflect back the nice sides, some the unpleasant. But it is all just you.

Now, one thing to watch out for here, is the tendency to be harsh on yourself. When this realization strikes deeply, one tends to take all the hatred they’ve been directing towards others and turn it inwards. This isn’t going to help. Skip it.

Don’t give your power away

Whenever you insist that someone else needs to change for you to be happy, you are giving your power away. Essentially, you are saying that you refuse to be happy until this person you hate, changes. Does that look like a sensible quest to you?

Let go of Right vs Wrong

It is when we are stuck with ‘I am right and this person is wrong. Look at how ridiculous his/ her actions are’ when it is the hardest to heal. If you are going around seeking confirmation from people that this person IS horrible, you will lose out on the opportunity to transcend the mess and be happy.

It doesn’t matter how many people agree that the person who is bothering you is being ridiculous and needs to change. If you give your power away, then they are in charge and you are hostage.

So, then what next?

No matter what the situation, a problem arises only when we are unable to handle the way this person is making us feel. Once we understand this, we can focus on resolving our emotions, instead of asking the other person to change.

Does that mean I shouldn’t react?

When we react to situations, we are letting our emotions control us. When we respond to a situation, we are letting our wisdom guide us, and doing whatever makes sense. Both the reaction and response might be the same action sometimes.

If someone is hitting you, for example, it may be sensible to fight back, kick and slap. If you do this as a reaction, then your mind will cloud up, prevent you from thinking clearly, and also create emotional trauma for both of you. If you respond, you will be more stable and calm.

Resolving emotions and learning to respond

You will only start to heal the situation, when you take complete ownership for the mess. This is rarely easy, because it is much more convenient for the ego to put the blame on the other person.

 Sit with your feelings. If you wish to resolve the issues, spend some time everyday, sitting with how this person makes you feel. Close your eyes, and visualize the person/ situation and allow yourself feel whatever comes up. Avoid blaming or trying to come up with an explanation. Just feel.

Then do it with them. Once you have some practice with surrendering to your pain, you can do it when you are with the person too. Remind yourself that this is not them but their pain acting through them. And allow yourself to feel everything you feel in that moment.

Bear in mind. Surrendering to your feelings does not mean that you scream and shout as you please. Screaming and shouting are reactions that come up when you are trying to avoid your feelings. When you focus on feeling, you may not say much and if you do, it will be effective.