I must at the outset, mention that my teacher says ‘Forgiveness is part of the illusion, but it is a part of the illusion which can take you home’. And from one perspective, I agree that it is true. I could never see the point of forgiveness ever since I was little though, and this is just that perspective.

If someone hurts you and then asks for forgiveness, it might make sense, although even that, I feel leaves some open ends, but let’s set that aside for now. In my understanding however, when forgiveness is not sought, trying to forgive someone is extremely pointless. Here’s why.

The idea of forgiveness places you above the other person

I find the idea of forgiveness a little dangerous because a person who is supposed to forgive someone is clearly ‘above’ the other. By placing a victim higher than the oppressor, we can create dangerous emotional patterns where we repeat abusive patterns in our life to feel superior to others.

Forgiveness comes from a false idea of justice

Have you ever tried to analyse why there is a need to forgive someone in the first place – what is the point in holding on to that grudge? If you look at it carefully, you’ll find that somewhere there is this belief that if you forgive them, they won’t be punished. It comes from our childhood where accepting the other kid’s ‘sorry’ meant we don’t hit them out of revenge, or that they don’t have to be punished.

In reality holding on to a grudge or the pain someone caused you hurts no one but you. Their karma will bring them the fruits if and when the time is right – for all you know, the other person hurting you was a balancing of your own karma and the accounts would have been settled if not for you carrying the grudge.

So drop the desire for ‘justice for your pain’. Your pain might have been the justice. (I am not implying that victims must not file a police complaint etc – relevant actions need to be taken. But the idea of seeking justice in the mind, even more so when nothing can be done, is pointless)

The confusion about ‘how to treat the other’

Probably what I get asked the most is ‘how do I treat someone who hurt/ still hurts me after I’ve forgiven them?’ And ‘must I also forget, when I forgive?’ And this is the aspect which I believe makes the idea of forgiveness the most redundant.

Replace Forgiveness with Common Sense

Here’s a simple fact – shit happens in life. It happens. But if you observe, you don’t feel the need to try to forgive in every scenario. Think about a dog barking for 6 hours at night, waking your little baby up again and again and not letting you get any sleep when you’re already sleep deprived for days. You’ll be frustrated with the dog yes, but you will never message me asking how you can forgive the dog – the question does not arise, because you know that it is a dog – it will bark.

When someone hurts us, whether it was personal or not, intentional or not, they are simply acting out their patterns. If we expected different from them, that is our error of judgment and our mistake. When someone hurts us, if we focus on resetting our assessment of them instead of trying to forgive them, it can help to cope a lot better. A compulsive liar for example, is going to lie – whether it is to his wife or children, or boss. If we understand that this is how this person is, we can learn to accommodate this person and work around their traits in a neutral way, just like you won’t try to pet an aggressive dog who just tried to bite someone.

So…

If you like working with forgiveness, go ahead, that’s lovely. But if you’ve been struggling to forgive someone who hurt you – take a step back and get a larger perspective. There’s nothing to forgive, shit happens. Restructure your assessment of that person, learn new and balanced ways of coping with them if they still hurt you, do your best to heal yourself, and move on.