Anthony Jacquin

The purpose of relationships in all forms, whether with lovers, family or colleagues is the same as life itself. That is, to express, share and celebrate happiness, peace and love, rather than to seek such things from others.

Just like any other pattern of seeking, if we feel we will be happier when we have a relationship, or more at peace when someone has committed to us, or more able to love when we have someone to love, then we setting ourselves up for disappointment. We are doing things in the wrong order. We are turning our relationship into an economic transaction.

Like any other effort to seek happiness, peace and love in an object, a state or in this case a person – a relationship will provide temporary relief. For a moment, when we fall in love, there is no distance, no separation. The search is off and we glimpse ourselves as we are – connected, happy, timeless.

However, if the belief remains that we are separate and finite, then ultimately there are two, still two separate selves. As long as there are two separate selves, there will be something you are looking to get from the relationship. Something you are looking to complete. In this set-up, even so called ‘giving’ is with a view to getting.

As long as we feel finite or have a need to be complete, we will enter relationships in a way trying to protect oneself from being diminished or to be aggrandised.

Ultimately we must accept that our search for trust, security and commitment in a relationship is in vain. If we are honest with ourselves, relationships however strong are unstable. Relationships, however sweet, will die.

Things fall apart. People leave us. Death parts us.

There is a deep intuition that comes from an innate knowledge that we have, that everything is insecure, nothing objective lasts. Nothing.

We can face that fact. We can face it honestly and courageously.

We can do so by asking what has always been with us? What have we never been separated from? What has never let us down?

Only this aware presence that we know ourselves to be.

This has always been true.
It is always present.
It is never distant.
It will never leave.
It doesn’t judge.

You can trust what is stable. You can feel secure with that which is ever-present.

That which is always present, that which never changes, that which is not dependent on the state of your mind, that which is reliable in your experience; that is worth committing to.

As the sense of separation falls away relationships cease to be a relationship between two individuals trying to find love and instead are instead diverse expressions of the same love, the same happiness.

If we see our true nature, our capacity to enjoy relationships does not diminish. We are more able to have truly loving relationships.

That is the joy of this. Our relationships in all forms really thrive as a result of this understanding.

Your nature is happiness. You can express, share and celebrate that in relationships understanding that you lack nothing, so there is no need to look for completion in others.

Your nature is peace. You can express share and celebrate that in relationships, knowing you cannot be agitated, and don’t need to seek refuge in others.

You are connected. You can express, share and celebrate that in relationships, and be free of the need to mask a sense of separation by investing in another.

Have this understanding in the background. And let it infiltrate the way you relate in a more intelligent and loving way.

Greet old friends and loved ones like it is the first time you have been introduced, like all is fresh and new.

Greet new friends like you have known them forever, like your connection  has been there forever.

However close you are with your lover, family or colleagues understand that they are not yours. You are not theirs. You are not together. You are free. You are free not to walk away. Free to dance together eternally.

There is a great freedom in knowing that nothing holds you together. You just share an essence.

There is a great liberation knowing that you do not derive love, happiness and security from the another, but that together you can express, share and celebrate it. You can enjoy healthy relationships without being attached to them.

When this is a shared understanding relationships flourish.

There is a non duality inside the duality. A stillness inside the movement. Light inside the shadow.

If we overlook the deep understanding that we are one, and instead walk as two separate beings, then there will always be distance. If we know what we share then we can not only walk as one, but dance as one.

It is this understanding that allows you to go out into the multiplicity and diversity of the world and truly enjoy it as it is. We need not abandon desires, just as long as we don’t seek happiness in them. Instead we can express happiness through desire that comes from our aware presence.

What we truly appreciate that all there is here is no one, no things and no others: then we are able to truly appreciate the appearance of things and others, and dance as one of those things in relation with life, with people.

This is real love. This is real intimacy.

A relationship where the only commitment is to love itself: celebrated with openness, shared in abundance and enjoyed with no contingent agenda.

This is the perfect place to start a relationship. Knowing happiness and love is not dependent on someone or something means a relationship can be conceived out of  freedom rather out of need.

Your intimate relationships will improve. Your friendships will flourish.

Of course not everyone will have your understanding. People will want you in their life to  complete their sense of incompleteness. People will insist upon resisting you even when you have no agenda.

Be open. Enjoy a total lack of resistance.

Without an agenda, you can simply observe but not judge.

With compassion and understanding you can know that they are doing the best with what they think they have.

Without agenda or judgement, you can remain present, and in your heart relate to who they truly are.

Don’t buy their story. Or any story.

Don’t reject it either. But don’t buy it.

It doesn’t mean that you ignore them. Or cannot be in a relationship with them.

But really, the one you are speaking to is the presence behind the one they believe themselves to be. The one around whom the drama is revolving, is not there.

They may not know. But you do know, so let them burn it out. Be like an open window that and wind can blow through. No resistance.

Be transparent. Hold onto nothing. Take nothing personally.

Be spacious enough that you can take anything in. You can welcome anything home.

Making this work without compromising your inner freedom is possible. It just requires sensitivity and skill on your part to make it so.

See in others the same aware presence that you know yourself to be.

Be gentle and assure that person that your love is real, but that you will never think of them as an object, obligated to make you complete and happy. Encourage them to swim in this pool of unconditional love, until their own fears and tensions dissolve.

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Anthony Jacquin is a hypnotist. Author of ‘Reality is Plastic – The Art of Impromptu Hypnosis’, and teacher of therapy at Jacquin Hypnosis Academy. His primary preoccupation is playing games with his sense-of-being, and watching ‘I’ slip through his fingers whenever he tries to grasp it.

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