I’ve been asked many times how we know whether we’re being honest or being rude. The answer is not complicated but needs a certain level of intimacy with oneself.

What is the basic motivation for what you are saying? Are you saying it because you respect and honor the other person and believe they are entitled to the truth? Or are you saying it to get back at them or put them in their place? 

Honesty is different from stating facts. Facts can be manipulated – it is what statistics routinely do – honesty on the other hand is about being vulnerable. If you are pointing out what you are feeling, or something about yourself, then you are being honest. If you are pointing out something about someone else, or blaming someone, then you are gossiping or being rude, depending on who you are talking about. 

So, ‘I’m feeling hurt and angry that you didn’t come for my performance, just give me some time, I’ll be fine‘ is being honest. ‘You’re a hypocrite, you didn’t come for my performance‘ is rude.