An article I read once, talked about a scientific study with a monkey, a banana and a water hose. The monkey was kept in a cage, with the banana at a height, with a ladder right underneath it. Every time the monkey tried to climb the ladder and grab the banana, ice cold water was sprayed on it. It tried numerous times, with the same result. Eventually it learned its lesson – reaching for the banana = ice cold water. And this led to fear, and even preventing other monkeys from reaching out for the banana.

Our lives are just the same. Our personalities are nothing but a set of learned behaviours. Fortunately or not, the situations in life change. The ice shower is taken away. But the fear remains, the learned behaviour stays. Many even develop a paranoia towards bananas altogether. Is it sensible? No. Is it common? Yes.

So what impact does this have, in our own lives and in the lives of those around us? If we observe ourselves, we realise that we rarely react to a present circumstance. Whenever we react, we are effectively reacting to a set of similar previous situations. And we react that way, because that particular way worked for us in the past. What we don’t realise, is that circumstances have changed, and the same things don’t work anymore.

Typical examples of this shift are
1) When we start working
2) when people get married, or even go to hostels and make new close friends
3) When people around us themselves change, for example children becoming adults/ getting married, or parents getting older and helpless.

In the first case, we would tend to behave around our bosses similar to the way we behave around parents – because this is how we are used to tackling authority. Ofcourse, if the boss behaves very differently from your parents, even if that behaviour is better, there will be a level of discomfort, because we don’t know how to handle this new behaviour.

In the second instance, we react in the same way with our spouses/ room mates as we did with our siblings or parents. What usually happens here, is that our behavioural patterns are so strong that even if our mates are completely different from our parents/ siblings, we will eventually recreate this behaviour in them, because this is what we are used to. If you’ve found yourself telling your spouses to stop doing the same things to you that your mother or father does (in a negative way), then you know that this has happened already.

The third scenario is the most difficult to adjust to, because we are used to associating certain behaviours with certain people, and suddenly the same things don’t work anymore. It requires far greater work adjusting here, because nothing has really changed – there is no change of scene, location, or life patterns. Merely the person has changed.

How do we apply this to our own behaviour? By questioning ourselves regularly. Everytime you see yourself reacting to a situation, ask yourself whether that behaviour was productive, or simply a waste of time and effort. If the answer is the latter too frequently, you know you have work on your hands. We could also approach this the other way around. If we are starting to feel helpless about not being able to get through to a particular person, we could start analysing what our basic attitude and behaviour is with that person, and whether this pattern is still valid.

An understanding that every reaction is a learned response helps us accept others more easily too. Once this concept is clear, you start to understand that no one is really reacting to you – it is not personal. They are merely replaying a response they learned long long ago, and they really don’t know what else works in that situation. So the next time you are puzzled or hurt by someone’s behaviour, give them the benefit of doubt, shower them with love, and move on!