I’ve had discussions with young as well as old people in the last couple of weeks, and I’ve found one disturbing trend that I want to talk about.
I’m finding that people imagine they’ll live until 60ish. Now, unless you die an accidental death or you came here with a really short life plan, chances are high that you’ll cross 100. Right now the average life span of the wealthy Indian is easily 80-90. What do you think that number will be in another 50 years? We’re likely to hit 120 easily. The only question is, are you going to spend the second half of your life healthy or sick.
If you live as if you’re going to die at 60, you will still energetically die – you age faster, you’re more careless with your body, and you’re going to have a lot less energy. And when you hit 60, ‘life’ is over. So you’re essentially living as a corpse.
If you want to be healthy till you die, wake up. You’ve got to approach life asking yourself, how would I treat my body if I had another 80 years to live? Because you likely do. You’ll leave your body only when the time comes, regardless of how badly you want to die. But you might stop living many years before that happens, if you are not careful and sincere about your journey.
Here’s a question I received on my student group recently – I’m curious about if astrology can be used to recommend certain types of sadhana to people. What would be a framework for that?
Also about consistency in sadhana. Whether a single path should be followed or a combination of things depending on one’s nature and situation. What does commitment to a sadhana entail?
Sadhana can be of many types -even atheists are often on a spiritual pathway, following karma yoga (when they are sincere in believing work is worship and doing their best to grow as a person, they are on the spiritual pathway even though they may say I don’t believe in God). At the same time the most ‘devout’ sadhak might be completely off-track because he has relinquished all responsibility and thinks the sadhana is enough and that his own personal effort on a day to day basis is not needed.
So if you want to know whether raja yoga, bhakti yoga, karma yoga or jnana yoga is the best path for you, astrology can help, but if you need astrology for this kind of guidance, then maybe you are not really ready for a spiritual pathway because it would indicate a very poor knowledge of oneself. It should be obvious by this age which one you are most drawn to, based on your temperament. Most of us use a combination, but one might be predominant.
What you are probably referring to as sadhana is probably a raja yoga or a bhakti yoga practice. This, yes an astrologer can help you especially if it is a Bhakti yoga practice, because you would have a pre-disposition towards certain deities and will progress faster if you are turning to them for help. But there again, if you are ready for a serious practice, you will already be praying to them because you’ll just feel drawn.
Consistency is highly essential. Regardless of whether you are following a single path or a combination, you would still need a strong daily consistent practice. Doing one thing today and something else tomorrow is not going to take you anywhere, doing new things all the time, again pretty useless. Pick one thing and stick with it. It is possible that you might find new tools that you might use for a short while and then discard, but you’ll need to have a level of awareness to be able to tell the difference between distraction and enhancement. That would need brutal honesty with the self, something I see as a very critical element of one’s spiritual practice, without which one is going to really get mis-led.
Yesterday my yoga teacher compared Dhritarashtra with the blind mind, and Gandhari, the intellect, blinds itself in service to a stupidly blind mind. This is how most of us live. The pathway involves opening our eyes and what we start to see is not pretty at all, it is frequently depressing for most of us and many times the truth is just going to make you realise what a horrible person you can sometimes be. So willing to be honest with yourself regardless of the consequences is the most important element along with a strong daily practice, in my opinion. The rest will fall into place.
You can be drawn to something on account of your nature but need a balancing counterpoint you aren’t drawn to. What to do about this?
Yeah that’s where I find a guru to be the most valuable. It’s not just a counter-point, it is also little things we forget. In my experience a guru/ teacher is needed more than anything else to simply remind you of the basics over and over again. I remember for the first 2 years every time I reached out to Jacqueline (my spiritual teacher), she would say the same thing. ‘Don’t mistake the weather for the sky of your being’, ‘everything that comes and goes is not who you are’. That’s it. I felt so ashamed after 6-7 times, that you value this woman so much and yet you cannot even remember the ONE thing she teaches. But I’d still forget. My students forget too, ultimately I’m saying the same thing to people over and over again.
The second thing that a teacher can do is to correct you when needed. There will be times when you go off-track and a good tight slap (metaphorically speaking) in those circumstances is a significant boon. This is what I loved about her the most – that she’d very easily very non-judgmentally and yet very firmly point out my nonsense.
So I think it is not so much on account of the sadhana – because we can always find a way to work around things and make them more ‘pleasant’, but a teacher who’s there to kick you back on to the track when you’re going astray. If you keep your eyes on the goal (brutal honesty) then sooner or later you’ll find your way back. If you’re more dedicated to defending your demons, then sooner or later, even with the best teachers, you will find your way back to blindness.
Q: We keep hearing that everything that comes our way – be it people, a phone call or anything, has a purpose for us, a place in our journey. Are these things always for our good?
Yeah I think of it like this – are you zooming in or zooming out when looking at the ‘picture’ of life. When you zoom out completely – look at all of life in totality, across all time and all space, nothing matters. Everything is perfect exactly as it is, in complete balance.
The more you zoom in, the more things change. Spiritual growth is the journey of learning to zoom out more. Your capacity for maximum zooming out is your.. let’s say.. spiritual quotient. If you’re living life very zoomed in, your vision is very narrow and you can end up suffering a lot. However, you cannot live ‘zoomed out’. Because if you really zoom out, it doesn’t matter if there is no salt in your food. It doesn’t matter if you go to work in your pyjamas. It doesn’t matter if you lose your job, get divorced, lose a loved one, etc. Even if we are stuck in 50 cycles of repeating the same painful story, it’s all fine in the larger picture. But when we zoom in, there is always a possibility to improve and learn faster.
Zooming out, we are learning, we are experiencing. Zooming in, we want to make things as comfortable as we can. It is between these two that the balance lies. This is why I love the proverb ‘Grant us the courage to change what we can, the serenity to accept what we can’t, and the wisdom to tell the difference’.
So… this is something I’ve been I’ve been chewing on for quite a while and I got clarity today.
ANGER
When you’re fuming, are you angry or are you outraged? I’ve had a tough time explaining the difference, but I’ve also known they’re very different. Here’s my understanding of it.
Anger is the energy of change. Something is happening that makes you uncomfortable; you want to trigger a change, you get angry. Of course if you can witness that anger and come from a space of peace, you get much better results, but this is the energy that suggests that change is needed, and comes up with the energy needed to facilitate it. Anger is sharp, light, hot, and fades quickly. Like fire.
RAGE
Rage is heavy, intense, hot and long lasting. Like molten lava. When you have been allowed to express anger as a child, you learn that anger is enough to facilitate change. You get angry – some even make this a habit because they’re erroneously learned that anger is the only possible agent of change. But when your anger as a child was suppressed – if you were punished for your anger or not allowed to feel or express your anger, then that anger turns to rage. You learn that there are only two choices – to suffer or to make the other person suffer. So your anger does not abate when you have your way, you need to see the other person in pain in order to feel safe. You might have fantasies of hurting other people if this is what you experience. Rage happens when your power was significantly taken away as a child and you have not yet reintegrated it.
You can experience a combination of both, experiencing rage in certain aspects of your life while expressing anger in other aspects. Both parts can benefit from healing, but the approach needs to be slightly different. Look at power issues for healing rage, and look at healing violation/ helplessness/ humiliation. For healing anger, look at feelings of injustice, discomfort and irritation.
When I head the term ‘motivational speaker’, I’m always amused. A person who needs to be motivated is clearly stuck doing something highly unpleasant, because otherwise he/she would have done it without motivation.
Motivation and will power are tools used by people who have objectified themselves. Those who are ‘in alignment’ – they want to do what is good for them because they care for themselves enough. It is when you don’t care about yourself enough that you need external rewards – and motivational speakers to remind you of potential rewards. Essentially you’re still stuck with the carrot-stick parenting you were raised with.
You haven’t resolved your relationship with your parents, so you’re still stuck with the ‘inner parent’ telling you what to do and the ‘wounded inner child’ protesting and focusing on the immediate rewards. And as long as these two parts of you are fighting, the one that wins is the one who has the most incentive. Hence motivation – incentivise the inner child.
‘Living in alignment’ on the other hand – what does that mean? It means your body, mind and spirit function as one unit, not separate parts all trying to use and bully the other into doing something. Do you stand in front of the buffet spread on a full stomach and try to resist that extra piece of cake? That’s you out of alignment. When there’s alignment, there will be no desire. And it’s actually not that hard to get there – although a sincere effort is key.
When you’re living in alignment, you do things because they’re good for you, and you enjoy doing them, even if they are momentarily unpleasant. Motivation is not required, because there’s inner motivation ‘this is good for me/ this is the right thing to do’. When you push yourself through will power, you either hurt yourself directly or indirectly, either by injuring yourself or relationships in some way, or by getting sick as a result of the inner friction you are constantly living with.
So the next time you find yourself stuck in an inner conflict, just pause a moment and ask yourself “What would I have done if I really loved me and wanted the best for me?” and for the long term, heal your inner child, and learn to love yourself more deeply. Because it truly is worth it.
We all know that the external world is a reflection of our inner world. But the opposite is also true. We construct our inner world based on the information we receive from the external world. And this is a problem, because no matter what information we receive, that is not who we are.
None of us can see ourselves – none of us knows exactly what we look like, physically, emotionally, etc. So we use mirrors to determine where we stand and what we’re worth. So when others perceive us as ugly, we think Oh, I’m ugly. When others hurt us, we think Oh, I deserve to be hurt. And this is ESPECIALLY true for us when we’re children. It’s also true for a lot of adults because most adults are still just little children in big bodies. Most people tend to still base their self-worth on what others think of them, or they become rebels and invite judgment – both are equally dependent on opinions.
But you know what, the issue was never that you got judged, or abandoned, or wounded by someone else. When you go deep enough you realise that the real problem is that you decided to judge, abandon or wound yourself when it happened. Whenever I’ve asked a distressed client in the heat of the moment, to simply hug themselves and tell themselves “I love you, I am here for you no matter what” and to mean it, it’s led to a flood of tears. Because you miss no one more than you.
So the next time you feel alone and abandoned, just hug yourself and say the magic words. And mean it. And cry, cry and cry. Until you smile.
The last few days have been bizarre. A friend shared with me that Mars-Pluto conjunction is causing upheavals, power struggles and misdirected anger. And boy, haven’t we seen this in action?
I’ve observed that those who have been practicing deep listening and a strong spiritual practice have remained stable – letting the inner storm stay separate from their outer world. While the others have succumbed to passive aggressive behaviour or overt aggression.
How do you move past the anger you are feeling? The first step is to stop making it about the outside world. Yes, a lot of nonsense is happening. But if you want to poison your body with disease-creating toxic chemicals just because other people are acting like fools, do it consciously, with full awareness and by choice.
When we are children, anger gets results. We shout and scream, and our parents relent, unless they know better. This teaches us that anger creates change. But guess what, real life is very different. Your anger is not going to change anyone else, it can only flood your system with cortisol and adrenaline and weaken your immune system and compromise your mental and physical health.
So turn inwards, become completely aware of the anger you are feeling, and just BE that anger. Don’t fight it by trying to externalise it, Just feel the anger spreading to every cell of your body as you inhale, and feel the discomfort, welcome it. And keep your focus on your breath. And watch, as it fades away.
Words carry such beauty They’re so powerful, aren’t they? You can brighten up a sad face Or you can ruin someone’s perfect day.
How then can it be, I wonder That the absence of something so profound Can cause a deeper, stronger reaction? How can silence possibly surpass sound?
In a room full of people It is so easy to drown out the noise And bring the world to a grinding halt Just by looking into each other’s eyes.
You can express your love in so many ways The possibilities are endless And yet when you are truly lost in each other That magic can only leave you breathless
You can talk about shock and surprise And protest, approve or agree But when it manifests in all its intensity Speechless is all you’re going to be
You can shout or cry or weep Or express your pain through poetry And yet, you can only be at a loss for words When you’re truly drowned in your misery
You can try to mend a broken heart Through loving words full of grace But few things will heal as profoundly As someone silently holding the space
You can humiliate, wound and insult someone, You can fight every single day, But you know the relationship is truly over When there is nothing left to say
Such a big, exciting world out there, To experience, conquer and own And yet absolutely none of it matters If the silence within remains unknown
Why is this world called Maya – Illusion? Because most of what you see has nothing to do with the truth. For instance, think about all the times you’ve been shamed for not being good enough.
Do you realise that when someone tells you that you aren’t good enough, they actually want you remain never-good-enough? That’s the whole game here – think about it – When someone complains that you aren’t good enough, if you change that one trait, then the complaining should stop immediately. But it doesn’t. It just moves on to something else.
I’ve encountered both kinds of people. Those who support real change hold your hand, love you even though you’re flawed, and help you up. Those who just want a person they can shame and feel good about themselves will point out your flaws as if something’s wrong with you. Shame you, compare you, reject you, abandon you.
Having said that, there’s no point in judging such a person – this is all they know. The more you try to fight this, the more you engage with it, the more you energise and re-create it. Also be aware that the world is a reflection – if this is happening to you, it means you are doing it to others.
If you’d like to actually do something to help yourself, deepen your witnessing of the situation, witness what they are projecting on to you, become aware that they are sucking your energy by shaming you, and that you’re never going to be good enough for them, become aware of your own feelings in this matter, and if you cannot simply witness it non-judgmentally, then take help with healing it.
Are you truly free? Many of us think we’re free, and we value our freedom, but really all we’re looking for is an excuse to continue to be addicted. Are you truly free to choose NOT to?
If you’re in front of your favourite dish on a day when you shouldn’t eat it for some reason – are you truly free enough to say no? Are you truly free enough to make the choice to exercise, and have your body comply? Are you free to not procrastinate when you’re feeling lazy? Are you free to skip watching TV/ social media and meditate instead when you’re exhausted? Are you free to do what you know is right for you, even though there may be reasons why you don’t want to do it right now?
If not, how are you free? We’ve confused hardcore enslavement with freedom, and confused being emotionally shut down for being happy. Most people who tell me they’re happy are just shut down. I don’t tell them what I see, what would be the point of that, and also because it takes courage to take the shit along with the joys in the same stride.
Freedom comes with responsibility. It also brings a lot of changes. It is easier to be shut down and tell ourselves we’re happy, we can remain in our comfort zone and continue chasing the things we imagine will bring us joy. Most of us are not seeking freedom at all, we’re actually seeking the freedom to be addicted without resitrctions. Like a cocaine addict saying please just let me have the freedom to take as much as I like.
But… what’s the point of a life like that? Is it enough for you?
When animals are raised in captivity, a lot of us feel bad for them and want them to be free. But thing is, they don’t know what freedom feels like. That limited life is all they know. Like a child being born and brought up in jail – it won’t have as much problem as a person who was once free, because that child has no idea what freedom is like.
Also, in some ways it IS easier being imprisoned, right? We’re comfortable with the same old challenges, the same repetitive patterns in life, rather than being ‘out there’, taking responsibility, taking risks, failing, owning up to our mistakes…
To be free is hard. To learn to live without getting tied down, weighed down by emotional baggage, to not get attached and yet engage with life – this takes years of practice, and we still falter. It’s not an easy life.
But you know what’s harder? To be imprisoned by our minds. To get attached, to chase, to allow people and life events to affect us, and the consequent illnesses they bring… That’s far, far harder.
But people are born and brought up in this jail, it’s all they’ve ever known – and ultimately we’re scared of stepping out of our comfort zone, so it’s something they never explore, never realise. They laugh at those who talk about the skies. Because this is all they’ve ever known. But If you’re on the fence though.. take that leap.
