Although I’ve had many students ask me to write an article on parenting, I’ve always hesitated for one simple reason – I am not a parent. And I find it strange to have to preach what I haven’t practiced, apart from the thought that what I suggest might not be practical. However, there are simple behaviour and mind related things that I might be able to suggest, which I hope you find useful.

So here it comes, tips for parents from someone who’s not a parent. Suggestions welcome!

I would begin by reminding all parents that no matter what you do, you’re going to ‘falter’ somewhere. We tend to forget that all children come with their own destinies, and no matter how hard you try, some things are going to go wrong, and your child is definitely going to get hurt through you – because the child needs those wounds to help it grow, much like a plant needs clipping from time to time for it to develop new shoots. So just do the best you can, and leave the rest to God.

One common thing I hear most parents say is that they don’t want their child to suffer like they did. In another instance these people will also tell you that their problems shaped their lives and they are what they are today because of the problems they had. Put those two together and see what you get.

Problems are the stepping stones to success. Problems also force a child to think on its feet and develop problem-solving abilities early in life – otherwise that part of the brain simply remains unused and undeveloped. So let your child face problems, and learn to deal with them on it’s own. Of course you would step in if things seem to be getting out of hand. But let the child make mistakes, and learn to fix them – on its own. Empathise – not sympathise, with your child. Believe in your child’s ability to deal with problems, and see how much of a difference that makes.

Which brings me to my next point. All around me in India when I meet parents of young children, I’m flooded with stories of how brilliant their child is. Parents always seem to be in a state of shock or surprise at how intelligent their child really is. Do we realise what happens when we react in awe when a child behaves intelligently? We’re subconsciously telling the child that we expected it to be stupid. Why else would you be surprised? Would you be surprised if an adult knew the capital of say, Germany? No, because that is expected of an adult. If an illiterate person knew this though, you may be surprised. Because you would expect that illiterate person to be ‘dumb’.

Ditto for the child; this kind of programming tells the child that it is actually stupid, and that intelligent behaviour is a cause to celebrate. It also gets the child addicted to approval. Eventually the child will want approval for every intelligent thing it says or does. And as an adult, that’s going to lead to problems in motivation – something many of us are already facing.

Trust the Child
Children are very intelligent. Even babies. They are not dumb, and even when they cannot speak, they understand what’s going on. So it would be a very wise thing to treat that baby as an intelligent adult present in the room, and not lie to it – because it is learning from your behaviour every moment.

I read recently that a man spoke to his baby as an adult and played classical music to it as an experiment, and found that his child developed high IQ levels. The stimulation a child receives as an infant is quite critical to brain development. A coddled and overprotected child does not receive enough stimulation.

Also, children are very sensitive and aware of what they need. When you allow a child to eat what it wants and how much it wants, you allow the child to stay in touch with its body. By forcing a child to eat things against its wish, you are very likely cutting off that connection. Of course, all this holds true until the child is introduced to junk foods and refined sugar.

However, a child that is allowed to stay in touch with its body will eventually not find these foods very appealing.The child’s body is also fully equipped to tackle most diseases, so it would be wise to not bomb its system with frequent antibiotics. An adult’s body takes more than a year to recover from a course of antibiotics. Stick to holistic systems as much as possible.

Another thing to watch out for is labels. Avoid labels like ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘intelligent’, ‘talented’, ‘dull’, etc. Labels, even good ones, limit the scope of a person’s growth. Remind yourself that no matter what the child is or does you will love the child anyway, and act accordingly.

I read a beautiful novel once, which traced the lives of a batch of students from Harvard. When these people met several years later, they agreed upon one thing. ‘Harvard taught us to succeed, but they didn’t teach us how to live’. It was a very powerful and moving end. Is your child going to feel the same way tomorrow?

We are very score-oriented in India and act as if poor scores will result in an unhappy future for the child. But happiness is in the moment! Happiness is a choice and if your child knows this, it will be happy even if it’s earning half of what its peers do. Be clear in your mind and heart – do you want a happy child or a successful one? A child trained to be happy will most probably be successful too. But will a child trained to be successful be happy? Doubtful.

I’ll end with Mahatma Gandhi’s principle – ‘Be the change’. Parents are Gods to children and they learn from everything you do, every act and every word you say. They’re watching you and cloning you. Be someone that’s worth cloning, and that begins, I believe, by loving yourself whole heartedly.