We have grown up in a society where one is allowed, or even expected, to feel sorry for someone in trouble. To be worried for a loved one is seen as a normal thing, as a sign of concern, affection or love.

But when we sympathise, what are we really expressing, and where is it coming from? When a loved one is in pain, it is quite natural to feel disturbed, and many of us find it hard to see them in that situation, and try our best to pull them out of it. Does this truly pull them out of their mess?

Sympathy and empathy are quite different, and while the latter can help someone quite dramatically, the former can, despite the best intentions, crush a tired soul.

Believe it or not, sympathy is an ego-driven emotion. It is based in the belief that we are somehow superior to the troubled one by the virtue of not being in trouble or having been through it already. It is also based in the need to be needed – a sympathetic person subconsciously believes that the troubled one is not strong enough to handle the problem on his/ her own and needs his/her help to resolve the issue. Therefore the desperation to help the other out, even if the other hasn’t asked for help.

Think about it – if you saw an old man and a teenager fall down simultaneously, whom would you rush to help first? Obviously the old man, because you’d reason that the teen can help himself, but the old man may not be able to. When you believe that a person is incapable of helping himself, you tend to rush to help, irrespective of whether the person has asked for help or not. And in this process, you are subconsciously telling them that you don’t think they are strong enough to handle the problem on their own. Consider the impact of a belief like that on one who is already crumbling under the weight of problems.

Empathy stems from an underlying belief that the other person is completely capable of handling the problem. One would offer to help but not force advice down the person’s throat. An empathetic person would spend much more time listening to the problem, and much less time offering advice. An empathetic person would also be less judgmental, thereby aiding healing, since the other person would be encouraged to feel more self-love and judge himself less harshly.

Here are a few typical statements:
Sympathy: “I know exactly what you’re feeling!”
Empathy: “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re going through right now”
What is really going on: We tend to feel sympathetic when we see a person facing a problem which we internally believe we could not have handled ourselves. That is why we get so disturbed when we see them in it. No matter what the problem is, even if you have been through a similar problem in the past, it is still not identical to the problem being described – the circumstances are totally different. A sympathetic person projects his own problems onto the person, and therefore believes strongly that he knows exactly what the person is talking about. An empathetic person on the other hand, can see clearly that the situation is something he or she has not been through before, so it would be hard to know exactly what the person is going through right now.

Sympathy: “I’m sure if you do this your problem will be solved”
Empathy: “What do you think is the best way to tackle this? Have you tried ?”
What is really going on: Since the sympathetic person believes that the other is incapable of handling his own problems, he takes it upon himself to solve the other’s problems. Solutions are offered one after the other, and this problem takes up much of his time and energy. Even after the other person has finished sharing the problem and gone home, the sympathetic person continues to pace and worry, making his problems his own. What he’s really doing, subconsciously, is asking himself what he would have done, had he been in the same situation. It has nothing to do with the other person.

An empathetic person would stay somewhat outside the picture, being able to see and show the larger perspective, maybe thus offering a larger scope for solutions. It can be compared to a person drowning. A sympathetic person would jump right in, only to realise that he can’t swim either, pulling the other person down with him. An empathetic person would stay out of the water and see if there is any way he can help from outside.

Sympathy: “I just can’t see you like this!”/ “You’re not thinking straight!”
Empathy: “You’re strong, you’ll see this through, just have patience/ faith”
What is really going on: Again, this sympathetic statement is stemming from the internal belief that the person is incapable and not strong enough. The empathetic statement directly conveys confidence and strength, and helps the person have more faith and confidence in himself.

How to be more empathetic
The first step would obviously be identifying when we are being sympathetic, which would require self-observation. Deep listening also helps quite a bit in this process. Once this is done, it is important to understand that we are trying to solve the problem for ourselves, out of our own fears, and not out of genuine concern for the other person. The last step would be to consciously remind ourselves that this person is completely capable of handling the problem on his or her own, and let our thoughts and words follow accordingly.