Zen: The Art of Nothing

Almost everyone I know, believes that doctors can save them or their relatives from sure death. I’ve seen and heard of many cases where a person went to the doctor with a major or a minor complaint, only to be told that if they didn’t operate on him or her within a few days, he or she may pass away. The person and the relatives then went into a complete panic, resorting to foolish decisions and a number of operations to ‘save their life’.

When we were at Akshardham, Delhi, we were shown a video of Swaminarayan’s life. At one point of time, he chose to meditate under a tree in the forest, when he was informed by a nearby ashram that a man-eating tiger was on the prowl, and would he please take shelter inside for the night. He asked just one question, enough to silence them all. ‘Do you think the doors of your ashram can keep death away?’

Let me add that a few months later, I watched a program on television, that talked of a man – injured and disabled – who spent an entire night unable to move in the African jungles alone and survived unharmed, something that no one could imagine. A man cannot die before his time. Neither can he postpone his death.

Do you think the doors of your ashram can keep death away?
Let me change that. Do you think the doctor can keep death away? Do you really think so? Doctors can prevent suffering. But death? No. However, man is so afraid of death that he binds himself in all kinds of beliefs about it. He thinks that if he pays the doctor enough, he’ll survive. He dies anyway, but the doctor gets richer. People come to me too, when alopathic treatments have failed, thinking that maybe working with their energies will help them avoid death. Well, I’m sorry! No one can prevent death, not me, not you, and not even the best doctor in the world!

There are usually three reasons for sicknesses. The minor diseases usually come for cleansing some negativities from our body. If it involves doctors, then it is usually for clearing past-life debts with the doctor. There are times when people try every possible therapy to no avail, and one fine day, something works like magic – that is because they have cleared all the debts and were probably destined to be cured only by that particular doctor. The third reason for disease, which is slightly rarer, is a drastic change of life-direction. We’ve heard of NDEs and other major sicknesses that changed the entire perspective of that person – they belong to this category. Ofcourse, disease cannot be classified into only one of these reasons, it is often a combination.

Well, now that we’ve understood that death cannot be prevented or postponed, what do we do about it? We need to understand that death is not THE END. You will probably come back to earth and most probably be born or married into the same family! Even if you do not believe in reincarnation, don’t let death scare you. Understand that we are afraid of it because we don’t know anything about it, because religious books scare us about it and because nature has programmed every living being to resist death. The next step is to stop fighting it. By running after doctors trying to prevent death, one will only make his last days more miserable, and spend his last days in a dingy green and white funny-smelling room, probably half conscious and not even able to bid his relatives goodbye.

We all want to make the best of life. Why not also make the best of death? Don’t fight it. Accept it as a certainity, and accept it with grace.

When I first learned Reiki healing, I was told not to be sympathetic with my patients. ‘What?’ I thought, ‘sympathy is good!’ No, I was told. Empathise. Sympathy is a strict no-no.

And with so many years into healing now, I realise how damaging sympathy can be. Everyone says they want to be ‘healed’, but not all truly, genuinely, want it. This category of people subconsciously enjoys the misery they are in, while outwardly projecting their helplessness – and they often convince themselves too, that their misery is out of their hands.

I have, with sadness, watched too many people self-destruct in this fashion, without the slightest idea of what they were doing. These are the people which make the toughest patients – because how can you help someone who does not want to help themself?

Do you do it?
So how do we distinguish between those who genuinely want to get out of their misery, and those who enjoy it? The first detector here is sympathy. How many people know about your problems? Do you tell everyone the tough times you’re going through? If you’ve told more than one or two people about your problems – you know you’re looking for sympathy. And you know that you enjoy your misery.

The Energy Explanation
Sympathy causes a transfer of energy from the sympathiser to the ‘victim’. So those who enjoy the sympathy of others are usually people who are addicted to this technique of gaining energy. Their subconscious mind thinks like this – if people sympathise with you, you feel energised, so tell them all your problems. And then their subconscious invites more problems, thereby making their lives more miserable, so that they have more sob stories to tell. Its a vicious cycle.

If you talk about your joys more than your sorrows, then you know you are heading on the right track.

The Shrugging off of Responsibilities
As a healer, I have another easy technique to know whether the person is really keen on getting out of a problem – I just give them a simple task, something which they must do to improve the situation. And that separates the wheat from the chaff.

If you tell an obese person to avoid chips one day in a week, and get a “Nooooo, I can’t!” reply, you know that they aren’t interested in [i]doing[/i] anything to come out of their situation. They just don’t want to shoulder any responsibility!

The Remedy
Acceptance is the first step towards improvement. If you realise that you are addicted to sympathy, the realisation itself will start wearing off the effects, since everytime to try to gain sympathy, you’ll be reminded of what you are trying to do. Once the awareness comes in, you will start to alter things subconsciously.

Change is not easy, and it gets tougher when it comes to issues of harnessing energy. Learning reiki, or starting with meditation at this stage will help, as it will help you get energy directly from the universe, and you will not have to depend on sympathy to fulfil your needs.

And then, you can start to visualise yourself the way you want yourself to be – and imagine yourself taking up responsibilities, owning up for your actions and your life. Imagine yourself in control of your mind and body, and your emotions.

Finally… I would like to stress on the awareness factor. Observe – yourself and others. Observe everything around you like an outsider, and watch yourself react to situations. Ask yourself why you react the way you do. And if the answer does not satisfy you, then rectify that behaviour. Three simple words. Observe. Detect. Act.

An RJ recently asked on S FM, what one needs most to be happy. Barring one caller, every single other person said the same thing – ‘Money!’. Sadly, most of them weren’t joking, and one even argued her side of the case bitterly.

As we discussed the same topic over tea with a hint of sorrow towards those who felt that way, my friend protested. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘take my example. I feel happy when I spend time with friends. I’m happy right now because we’re all together! But the sandwiches of Daily Bread do not come for free! If we have to hang out together, and thereby if I have to be happy, I need money!’

Hmmm…. what logic. The argument twisted and turned that evening, but I am countering this particular line here, since I have reason to believe that many might feel the same way. I’d like to know one thing; if you are with your best friend, does it really matter whether you are chatting up over a dinner at Taj, or whether you are eating bhelpuri at a stall in the street?

Happiness is not something to be pursued, it is something you have within you – you can be happy even in the most dire of situations. You can be broke, hungry, disabled, cold and lonely and still be happy – IF you want to. The problem is, most of us are so busy chasing momentary joys, that we have no time to explore permanent happiness.

Many people use the line ‘I will be happy when …..’ replaced by whatever you are pursuing right now. Life doesn’t work that way. Once you achieve that, you will have something else to run after. If you want to be happy, you can be happy right now, right here.

My aunt is a teacher in a school at Jaipur, where they have an exchange program with a UK school, so that some students from here go there, and some British students come to India for a month. One year, instead of the usual agenda, the teachers decided that the British students should see Indian village life. Therefore, when they landed at Jaipur, they were taken to a poor, poor village in Rajasthan, where the poverty was so high, that they used broken pots to cook rotis, had to walk miles for water, and ate nothing but chili chutney with roti for all meals. Needless to say, the students were terrified. They were left there to spend two weeks!

When the authorities returned to pick the children up, many of them started crying. Coming from affluent homes in Britain, many had never lived life without a washing machine, a WC, a bathtub, or atleast bread and butter. But two weeks in a poverty stricken village, and most didn’t even want to go back home. Why? Because they found happiness here. How then, pray tell me, can money bring you happiness?

The villages, despite their means, would get together every evening, dance, talk and gossip. They were affectionate towards each other, and there was no competition with one’s neighbour over who has the best TV. No desires. No misery.

People feel that they wouldn’t progress in life if they have no desires. They are so wrong. Since many people work ONLY because they work towards a want, they feel that if they don’t want anything, they won’t work. On the contrary, when you start doing your duty for what its worth, instead of working for a gain, you work better. Success is far more likely to kiss the feet of those who value the right things.

Which is why, those who chase, chase for the rest of their lives, just like a dog chasing its tail.

The secret of happiness lies in satisfaction – satisfaction with what you already have. The secret of happiness lies in living in the present. The secret of happiness lies in asking yourself what you can DO, instead of what you can GET. Instead of looking at those more successful, more affluent and more powerful than you, if you look at those who are poorer, less intelligent and less successful than you are, you will find joy. Which is why, I guess, those who help others are always happy – because they are frequently exposed to those who are far less lucky.

Set your priorities right, and figure out what you really want in life. And for your own sake, do not lead yourself into believing that it is the only thing which will bring you joy. Because the only person in the world who can make you happy, is YOU.

Every once in a while, life places us at crossroads, and we have to choose which direction we want the remainder of our life to head. These choices are often quite tough, and the dilemma leaves many a mind distressed.

One such distressed soul recently posed some questions to us.
1) How should one know what is good for him, when he finds himself left with 2 options and both of them go in completely opposite directions?
2) How much importance should one give to others happiness when its on the cost of his own?
3) How to remove the fickleness of mind and make it steady and firm to his decisions?
4) What are the grounds or factors upon which one should take the major decisions of life?
5) How do we get confidence in our own decisions?
Life always presents us with tough choices, to test what we have learned so far. Often such situations leave us completely confused, as we have to choose between conflicting interests.

The first thing to do here, would be to prioritize. Here you will have to fight your fickle-mindedness first, which you can do with regular meditation.

Take some time to steady your mind, think about it and then see what is the most important to you. This is help you decide the direction in which you want to head. Obviously you will have to compromise on some things, but then, life does not give you all the things you want. There has to be a trade-off somewhere. This answers the first and third questions.

2) How much importance should one give to others happiness when its on the cost of his own?
It is always your own happiness you think about. Even as you wonder whether you should worry about others’ happiness, you are really thinking only about yourself. If bringing sorrow to your loved ones will bring you pain, it is something to think about again.

Regarding others’ happiness, remember this. If the matter to decide concerns only you, then you need not worry about others. But if it concerns them too, then you might have to consult them. In things like marriage, it is really your decision alone, because you and not them, will have to spend the rest of your life with the person.

4) What are the grounds or factors upon which one should take the major decisions of life?
Major decisions should be taken keeping in mind your progress as a person. The path that will help you change for the better, is the best path to take. Unfortunately, people base these decisions on factors like lust, money and power, which do not last and bring misery in the long run.

5) How do we get confidence in our own decisions?
You can have the confidence by having faith in your destiny. As long as you have based your decision on what you think is right, and not based them on greed or fear, life will always side you. Once a decision is made, one must forget about the other option completely, and never compare, for the grass always looks greener on the other side, but seldom is, in reality. One must focus on making the best of the current situation instead of thinking of one might have lost.

Most of us live in free, democratic countries. We have freedom of speech, freedom to act, and freedom to live any which way we want! Do we, really?

Freedom is a very big word. And although we all wish for it, when it does come to us, we spurn it. Are you really free? Free from worries, anger, hatred and most importantly, greed? Are you really independent? Are you in control of your actions, not being bullied, blackmailed, tricked and pleaded into doing things? Are you really free enough to dare to dream, and dare to make those dreams come true, without fear of failure?

The sad truth is, we are chained. By ourselves, by our fears, our insecurities and our past. But, although we occasionally dream of it, we still do not want to be free. For, with freedom, come responsibilities. If you are free, you cannot blame anyone anymore, because you are responsible for everything you are, and everything you say and do.

We worry about what the society will think if we do something offbeat, but we are unconcerned when we litter the streets, lie to our children, bargain for a petty sum of money, talk loudly in restaurants, or break queues. Sab chalta hai!

Despite the responsibilities, freedom is sweet. It is something to strive for. It is something that is essential to our growth. You can choose to be free. Choose to take control of your life. We think that emotions just ‘happen’, but we are wrong. Circumstances are out of our control, but our feelings are not. You can choose to feel or not feel, provided you are aware of yourself and your surroundings.

Observe yourself like a third person. Everything you do, ask yourself if you are setting an example. We try to hide our misdeeds from others. But can you hide them from you? Be true and honest to yourself. Try to find a responsible, brave person in the mirror.

Own up for yourself. Fulfill your needs, and chase your ‘wants’ only through the right paths. The next time you feel chained by emotions, ask yourself if you really need to go through those emotions. Realise that you feel because you choose to feel. Often, we are so busy ‘feeling’ -depressed, angry, hurt, – that we have no time or energy left to change things. Choose to feel good. Choose to grow.

I came across an interesting site which brought back a previous stream of thought. The site seemed to echo almost exactly what I think. It said that 5 billion years ago, earth was just a mass of heat, with conditions that could not foster life. But life happened. 2 billion years ago, there was no species which could think on its own – but then man appeared. And now, in their words “We see no hope for man, We cannot conceive of a species after him, We think man is here to stay” But it will come.

Yes, it will. At one time, dinosaurs ruled the world. Now, man does. Tomorrow, some other species will.

Man has to evolve. But those who consider this phenomena often forget that evolution has two parts – one part of a species evolves into something else, while the others continue to exist in a state similar to what they’ve been for hundreds of years. And so I gather, a few humans will evolve.

The differences, somehow, I am already beginning to see. There is a rift in mankind – and not a political, religious, or social one. It is a rift of intellect. Of spirituality. There are many who are still animal-like in nature – they exist to fulfill material needs – food, shelter, procreation. Some go overboard in pursuing these, and others get addicted to elements which will help them forget their needs. This man loves going out of his own control.

Then there is another type – the ones who explore. They are moving beyond intelligence, beyond their 5 senses, into the unknown. Many already have powers which others cannot fathom. Others are moving in that direction. They are evolving because they did not stop learning when they entered adulthood. Or maybe simply because they were chosen to evolve. This is a mass that will turn the world around simply by willing it to.

I don’t know whether the ones who aren’t evolving, can choose to start evolving. All I know, is that I see a difference, and it seems to be growing with time. A marked split will probably not happen in our lifetime, but much later.

If the new species traced their family tree, will you be in it?

In an age where identity and independence are given foremost importance, those who want to go the traditional way, i.e. let their parents choose their life partner, find themselves in a dilemma. Is this the best thing to do? Several questions come up, because after all, this is a decision that will affect the rest of your life, potentially many decades.

The first question you should be asking yourself is whether you should be getting married, at all. If you find a good enough reason to do so, we come to the question of how we’d be able to take the right decision.

It would be wise to look at a few parameters first – Would you say that you are a good judge of people? Do you frequently find that friends turned out to be quite different from what you first imagined them to be? How about your parents? Would you say that they are a good judge of people? Have they been able to offer you sound advice regarding your friends, and been right? A fair analysis of these questions would give you a good idea of who has a better capability to assess people – and this is important, because people are on their best behaviour when seeking out their life partner.

Now if you’re good at assessing people, no problem, right? Go ahead and make your choice. But if you would rather let your parents take the lead, here are a few more pointers to keep in mind.

If your parents were to choose a partner for you, what is of foremost importance is whether they truly understand you. Or do they have a stereotyped image of you in mind, labeling you based on a few incidents from your past? If a person does not understand you as a person, how would they know who you would be compatible with?

Also, no matter who is choosing a partner for you, everyone is eventually just looking for one type of person – the sort of partner THEY would want for themselves. Very rarely does anyone have your needs in mind, and this is because we all have an image of the perfect partner drawn up in our minds based on our own needs, and we apply this standard to everyone. So, it is important to find out what qualities your parents prioritise in a person, and whether those are the same things you seek.

Many times, parents are more worried about the financial status, the history of the family, the security, etc, than the actual compatibility of the couple. This could be disastrous, even more so if the family is using it’s financial or social status to hide the internal dynamics of their family.

Ultimately, no matter who you choose, there will be a few surprises and a few disappointments. Marriage is more about giving, than receiving and this is a bond one must enter with that attitude. As a man, you would need to take extra care that your new wife is able to adjust to the new environment. She is often in shock because things turn out be drastically different from the way her family does it. As a woman, you need to be aware that things will be different, and just because they are different, does not mean that they are wrong. A new addition to the family changes old family equations and everyone needs time to readjust.

Frequently, a young man or woman will walk in for therapy, and when I ask them what it is they want, they quip that they want help because they are unable to get married. And when I ask them why, the answers are varied, sometimes even non-existent.

While on the one hand today’s generation is raised to be independent and individualistic, they are also largely raised to seek happiness outside of themselves. Add to this years of conditioning through movies that there is ‘the one’ waiting for you just as desperately as you are waiting for him/her, and it is a dangerous combination.

If you cannot be happy when single, it is highly unlikely that you will be happy when in a relationship. Granted – a new relationship has the potential to bring untold ‘highs’, leaving you reeling and starry eyed. But when the magic fades, you are left to cope with the same miseries that plagued you before the relationship. Many studies show that the high today lasts for about 2 years, before people are back to the level of happiness they were at, before marriage.

A marriage has the highest chances for success if it is entered by two individuals who have a desire to share, to give, instead of expectations, and a desire to receive. And even then, it is still a chance, because people change. What may be perfect for you today, may not be perfect for you twenty years down the line.

So, is marriage worth it? The answer varies widely. For a person who seeks happiness in a relationship, it would be worth it for a couple of years, following which the situation might be quite different. For an independent person who just isn’t ready for a relationship, it might bring them years of misery. And for yet another person, it might be a life changing opportunity, meeting a person who they can embrace in totality, and who embraces them for who they are, helping each other lift up to greater levels of awareness and bliss.

It is a personal choice which is bound to bring difficult times if not thought through carefully, or blissful times if entered into as one would enter a temple – head bowed and hands joined.

I was recently asked to fill a ‘Know Me’ questionnaire at office, to be pinned up on the notice-board. One of the fields was ‘Role Model’. Not a very unusual one, but it got me thinking.

Why do we need a role model? To me, having a role model is nothing but a weakness – you restrict yourself by wanting to be like someone else.

When a friend of mine was asked why he wasn’t following his very successful parents’ footsteps by joining their business, he said, ‘I am walking in their footsteps. Just like them, I’m starting from scratch and carving my own career!’

What we need to learn from icons is their approach to life, problems, and ability to remain calm in apparently disastrous situations. We need to follow the direction in which they walked, not the path they took.

It is often said that there is no set formula for success. I disagree. A study of successes will reveal the same common factors – perseverance, working smart, not necessarily hard, dedication and focus. An age old proverb sums this up very well – “The man who wakes up one morning to find himself famous has not been asleep”

Tej Parkhiji says ‘Sabki Geeta alag hai’, implying that everyone has different lessons to learn. In the same vein, everyone striving towards success, faces different problems and requires different approaches to deal with them. Problems can be solved effectively only if you analyze and solve the situation yourself, and not when you try to find out how your role model solved it – his situation might have been different.

Chuck your role model – choose to truly follow his/ her footsteps, by being your own person, and being your own role model. Because, I’m sure that they didn’t try to follow anyone’s footsteps!

A reiki student recently asked me ‘So after I learn Reiki, I will never fall sick and never have problems, right?’ I tried to suppress a smile as I told him that on the contrary, he might have more complex problems!

We regard problems like something external, an irritant or a hinderance that shouldn’t be there but somehow is, and must be removed ASAP. We couldn’t be more wrong. A problem is given to you, to help you learn a lesson the best way – hands on, and grow into a better human being. If you choose to turn around and face your problems instead of running away from them, you will gain a lot, and also learn lessons more easily.

Problems are like quicksand – the more you struggle, the deeper you get. What you need to do instead, is keep your cool, realise that this problem is a gift and not a punishment, and start working towards solving it.

Enemies are people we whole-heartedly despise, because they cause us problems and make our lives miserable. Lets take another look at it. I believe that your enemies do more for you, than your friends. These are people who do bad to you, and face negative consequences for them later on. All this for what? So that you learn more lessons, and grow faster!

The next time someone causes you problems, thank them for making your life miserable. For, it is these people who will help you take your life to the heights you only dream of today.