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Q&A: The Death of the Feminine

Q&A: The Death of the Feminine

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I’ve always considered myself a feminist. But much of the movement in the name of feminism disturbs me deeply. It’s like today we celebrate when a woman ‘becomes a man’. Not that a woman should be forced to remain at home and care for her children, no. But it is like that just isn’t satisfying enough anymore. There was an interesting discussion in this context on my group recently, and I post it here because I thought it got interesting. 

Ashwita women getting into air force.. fighter jets.. and all this concept of feminism…Isn’t current feminism trying to make women more masculine?

Is war masculine?

Yes feminism is pretty much dead. We’ve glorified and rewarded only masculine qualities and demeaned feminine qualities for decades. So it’s awesome for a woman to go out there and make money – we think she’s awesome, but when a man stays home to take care of the kids he’s somehow a lesser human being. The stars, the achievers, the providers have been glorified, the nourishers, the caretakers, the teachers have been trashed. A cricket star is bathed with money, a nursery teacher responsible for the future generation barely makes two ends meet. So you can see what we’ve prioritised as a society. In your own mind, if you were meeting a star and a nursery teacher, who would you be more interested in? That’s the problem.

And then of course the same gets applied within ourselves too, we prioritise our masculine qualities and downplay our feminine qualities. This works for women because they can get both. You see so frequently these days ‘be the man that you need’. Men suffer too here because then either they lose touch with their feminine altogether and become brutes or they move to the other end, becoming ‘the women that they need’. Now a days I see more kind and nourishing men than the women I meet.

War and aggression are masculine acts yes. Manipulation and brain washing are feminine.

(Someone else) I had a similar doubt. Each soul has different purpose.
Should tasks be characterized just based on gender?
Or one should put effort to look into soul of the partner/family member and support for its upliftment by doing for that soul (be it man being kind and nourishing)?

What makes you think that gender would limit the soul and take it away from its purpose? If the soul had a different purpose, it would have been born as a different gender.

The soul itself is colourless, odourless, limitless, property – less. It is only the mind that imagines a purpose, ideals, values, etc. If the focus of our life is simply to maximise each moment, we are already living out the real purpose of our life – which is for the soul to experience what it is like to be you.

My mom once said in this context. Go to a shop and look at plain cloth. You can use it for anything. But once it is stitched into a pant and shirt, then the pant goes on the lower body and the shirt on the upper body. Neither is superior or inferior.

Today in the name of freedom, pants want to be worn on the chest and shirts on the hips. To anyone looking at this objectively, it is nothing but ridiculous. We’ve turned everything into a chase these days, including experiences. Women want to become men, men want to become women and experience waxing and threading, the monthly cycles, labour pains, etc. Its insane. You’ll run out of your lifetime simply experiencing what it is like to be you, that’s how intense it is, but no, you’d rather abandon that and focus on trying to experience what it is like to be everybody else! (not you, I mean this generally)

(In response to ‘What makes you think that gender would limit the soul and take it away from its purpose?’)
Frequently nowadays, people categorize the tasks, no males have to do this task, female have to do this task.
So I thought, that does constant nudging can eventually take soul away from its purpose.

Yeah so who categorizes it? Like putting clothes in a washing machine is not a male or female task, it is a role assigned by the mind. Giving birth to a baby, breast-feeding, these are clearly female tasks. Chopping wood, clearly a male task. Opening a tight jar, clearly a male task 😁 the mind is screwed up for sure, that’s why our society is where it is today. If you’re confused, ask yourself this simple question – who would do this if I was alone? If you could do it, then it is your role too. If it wouldn’t have been possible, then it is clearly the role of the other.

If it is part of your life choices to marry and co-exist with another person (or even co-exist in another setting) then it isn’t about gender roles. It is about finding a balance and making things work more beautifully with that person. If we want to remain attached to your ideas of gender, then you need to be alone – and even then you might have to change them – a woman might have to pay the bills and fix the light-bulbs and a man might have to cook for himself and clean for himself. If you want to effectively function as a unit in harmony with another person, then you have to set your mental ideas aside and see how you can blend in and maximize the potential of that equation.

Dialogue: Surrender, Ego, Enlightenment

Dialogue: Surrender, Ego, Enlightenment

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The right questions are more important than the right answers. I know this is a long post, but it was such a wonderful discussion that I couldn’t resist posting it.

Balaji: I have heard you talk about letting go of things and not expecting anything, just live life,  give up on your desires. I agree the surrender part, but giving up on desires is something that i don’t understand. What if god wants u to think from the heart and ask what your heart wants truly to Him, so that he gives his child what he or she wants? That’s law of attraction right, ask, have faith and receive it

What if god is really a genie from the lamp, like how its put in secret and just tells your wish is my command. Then whatever people ask is what they get. So if people ask for attaining the highest level to god, they will attain it right?

This will contradict your statement of giving up on things right? i understand the concept of I being god and god being I, and that one needs to reduce the gap of ego between the I and god to understand the above statement. But what if this ego could be removed by asking god what u want from the heart?

Ashwita: Your question is fairly complicated because it shifts between levels.

First – the ultimate thing in the journey is to realize that you ARE a part of God. So there is no one to ask things of. If nature puts you there, it takes care of you – if there is a seed, it will get water to sprout and grow. Asking or not asking will not make a difference.

The law of attraction in my observation does not really work. Yes, when certain things are destined for you, there is a strong ‘feeling’ that it will come, which brings along with it a positivity and determination to get that something. When it comes, you think ‘you’ did it. You didn’t. It is like being on a train to Mumbai and praying to God that you reach Mumbai. Of course he answered your prayers. It feels like a significant thing because maybe for a part of the journey the train was going in the opposite direction and you thought that all was lost. That was all part of the plan.

“what if this ego could be removed by asking god what u want from the heart” -> who is the ‘u’ you are talking about in the latter half of the statement, if not the ego?

Balaji: After a day of observation, a lot of things arose, i got the logic of the train example, but wen it comes to the asking or not asking will not make a difference- if this is true then even a person that’s ignorant in life will be liberated at the end?? and even in scriptures like the bible its written only if u ask will u receive.

Even in our history like the Mahabarath and Ramayan, all the powers each character obtained was only after asking god for them. Even Mikao Usui sat down for meditation only because he had a clear intent of what he wanted. He asked and nature gave it. So does it mean that when a person wants something, if the person meditates upon it he shall receive it??

Ashwita: You are confusing powers with awakening – they are both very different things. But even apart from that, yes it remains the same. The asking is a part of the story. Of course you receive only when you ask – even a baby does not get milk until it cries. Or so it thinks.

The asking and receiving part of the story exists in duality. If you want to remain stuck in it, you remain stuck in the ego. When the ego dissolves, there is no one left to ask. Things happen. That is it. Nobody’s home anymore.

Balaji: What is ego? If asking something is ego, then how can one survive in this fast paced life?

Ashwita: Asking is not a part of the ego – having the illusion that you don’t get until you ask, is. Asking is required, it is a part of the story

Think of it like this. You are an actor. You have to say a dialogue. Then the other man saying something. The dialogue is your part. The next dialogue is also predetermined. To think that the next dialogue comes because of you is the illusion.

Balaji: Ooooooooo, okiii so since its predetermined that means god knows that I will ask him so and so things at so and so time?? So even if I fail to tell my dialogues he would have told it?? He is like a tape recorder that just keeps playing?? Then why is it written u ask and u shall receive it??

Ashwita: Yeah that’s mostly correct. As for the bible, most of the things mentioned over there are with regards to the spiritual path – not so much with materialism. So to seek God – yeah, before the ego dissolves that is required, and a real seeker will of course put in the requisite efforts. Without seeking also things happen sometimes, but largely if you ‘seek’ – i.e. if you seek the presence genuinely, it starts to become stronger and the pull of your mind, weaker.

Balaji: Interesting, when u say seek the presence genuinely what are you referring to??

Ashwita: When I say seeking presence genuinely, I mean that you don’t seek it to decorate your ego further. Many people want enlightenment because it would make them feel better about themselves. Then the moment they come face to face with an unpleasant fact about themselves, it puts them off. They just want reassurance from the path that their belief systems are perfect. A true seeker wants to break all belief systems.

Balaji: And where do all these people who have lost their ego self stay??? Can they live in a society like ours??

Ashwita: Nothing really changes when the ego dissolves – in fact, you can be a better ‘actor’ on the stage of life. Many enlightened people I have heard of, almost no body in their family knew they were enlightened, and they continued living like ‘normal’ people. A few would see the light in them and become disciples and that is how I heard of these people.

 Balaji: How does one get to know that the ego self is dissolving within themselves??

Ashwita: I guess one would start seeing that one is less controlled by the mind. You are able to let go and surrender to life more. You are more in the present moment and running away less to past and future.

Balaji: Have u met anybody who has lost their ego self?? And how do u know that the person you’re talking to is a person that’s enlightened?

Ashwita: Yes I believe I have.

It is almost impossible to tell by watching their actions or behavior. One thing that might be noticeable is that they might be visibly in the present moment – not holding on to stuff from the past, but that is also hard to tell. The only way I assess is by looking into their eyes. I guess once you start having some access to ‘the light’, you can see and identify it in other people.

Balaji: Yeah sometimes i get confused so much with the way our belief systems our built without questioning. People just agree to whatever is written without understanding the context in which they are being told.

When u say less controlled by the mind, how can one make decisions??

Ashwita: Decisions will only be better when you are less controlled by the mind – because now YOU can use the mind to take the right factors into account, keep obsessions at bay and take the right decision based on logical as well as intuitive assessment, without giving in to unreasonable fears.

Balaji: What does surrender on to life mean???

Ashwita: Surrender to life – To be in acceptance of whatever life throws at you. This includes any action you might have to take to deal with the incidents. Doesn’t mean you just sit in one corner saying ok, life threw this at me, I accept it, I won’t do anything.

Balaji: When u say present moment, your present consists of both the time line of past and the future right?? The moment was once a future and then it became present and then it became past, so the ego can be dissolved in any area of the time line right?? Why is it specific that u need to be in the present to dissolve it?

Ashwita: The present is only the present. The past and future are aspects of the mind. When you REALLY start to observe your mind, you realise that it runs to the past and future because it doesn’t like what is being handed out to it in the present. There is nothing really, to dissolve in the past or future.

I compare this with a kaleidoscope. The present is a particle in the center. The past, childhood, inner child, past lives, ancestry, future, etc are all different mirrors. You can try resolving it by looking at the mirrors, but the reflection shows you only one side of the particle. Much easier to deal with the particle – the present, itself. It holds all aspects of all time.

QnA: Assessment Vs Judgment

QnA: Assessment Vs Judgment

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Are you passing judgments without giving them the benefit of doubt?

I just love it when someone asks me a nice, sensible question! Here’s another lovely question from a lovely student.

Question:

Hi Ashwita,
I was following this recent post of yours about extrovert and introverts which went a little offtrack, and you mentioned, we are not comparing, and judging. That got me thinking, and I have been wondering – Is Judging a wrong thing to do ? Isnt judging someone a mere reflection of our own image ? and if judging is wrong, why is everyone doing it all the time ? Isnt it more spontaneous ? It need not come out vocally, but isnt it a thought ? and is that not involuntary ? How can we stop our thoughts from judging or not judging a person , as we are trained in our mind to do so.

How to identify from what is judging, and what is expressing concern or expressing opinion? I want a clear thought, Can you please help me with this?

Ashwita:

To say that judging is wrong, would be a judgment in itself 🙂 But yes, judging is not a productive process and usually tends to cause pain to the person judging as well as the person being judged.

We only judge others with parameters we use on ourselves, so being aware of the judgments we make on others can be a huge learning experience if we want to understand our own minds.

However, it is possible that you have confused assessment and judgment. The former is required, the other is quite dispensable. You are right though, that judgment has become quite natural to our behaviour – but i believe that that is not because it is really natural, but because it is a very early learned behaviour – one of the first things our parents do is judge us, so we learn it quite quickly. You can let go of this behaviour just like you would let go of any other habit – by observation and acceptance.

So what is the difference between judgment and assessment? Assessment is observing and making notes about the characteristics of a person. For example, if you notice that a friend of yours lied, you might make a mental note of that, and then take her words with a pinch of salt when she talks the next time. A good assessment is hugely beneficial in protecting oneself against possible harm.

Judgment on the other hand, is assessment + opinion. Now once you realise that this friend lies, if you jump to the conclusion that she is mean and horrible, then that would be a judgment. This would affect your behaviour around her, no matter how you tried, and eventually it might lead to problems in the relationship. The biggest problem in judgment is that it doesn’t take into account the fact that your assessment might be wrong. Maybe that wasn’t a lie at all, maybe it was said because of really dire circumstances, or maybe she’s honest only with you – you never know.

Assessment would be awareness of the other person’s flaws without getting emotional about it. It is based in the broad belief that human beings have flaws and it is perfectly natural to be flawed – it allows us to accept ourselves and others completely and allows us to love more wholly. When we are very judgmental, we tend to lie to ourselves about our shortcomings, because we have an image to live up to. This prevents real growth.

And I’ve just used a small example of lying but we know things can get a lot more serious than that. We’re a very judgmental society and we judge everyone from dark skinned people to introverts, unmarried people to divorcees, and even rich and poor people. We forget that our opinion really doesn’t matter at all to anyone except ourselves.

Ofcourse I know that you’re aware by now that judgments you apply on others, you also apply on yourself, so when you do the same thing you’re judging another about, this is how your own image of yourself will also look – and that will make it that much harder for you to love yourself. And when we make judgment, from my experience I know that we have to go through those situations eventually, in this life or next, to understand what that person was really going through.

I hope that answers your question 🙂