Poison for the Soul
What would we not do for the ones we love? We pamper them, show our affection, care for them, protect them, and sometimes, even sacrifice ourselves for the sake of their wellbeing.
It is the last aspect where we go wrong. And it is the last aspect that this article is all about. We can save one person from another, but what do we do when a person becomes his own worst enemy? The worst part is, we don’t even realise how we are damaging ourselves, because it is masked in the feeling that we are making our families happy.
I’ve met many people who have been the pillars of their families. In the process of supporting everyone else, they tend to neglect themselves. Their own physical, emotional and other needs are left unexpressed and unprioritised. For example, a boy I met recently suddenly had to support his mother when his father passed away. Having promised his father that he would take care of her, he felt pressurised to never cry or get emotional about his father’s death. Being the only son, he was now expected to live up to his father’s dreams, or the mother would get upset about how she could not bring him up properly. He loved his mother, and he wanted to see her happy. So he never let her know how difficult things were for him, he never talked to her or let her know when he was going through hell, because he didn’t want her to feel guilty. As a result, he ended up carrying a huge emotional baggage that manifested itself through various physical and emotional problems.
This is an extreme scenario, but this happens in every house, all the time. Every family has one major pillar of support. One person chooses to sacrifice himself so that the others can ‘prosper’. These unfulfilled needs and suppressed emotions accumulate and rot inside the person, poisoning their souls. Eventually this poison either causes problems or comes out in other damaging ways, such as the person losing interest in the most demanding family members and/ or becoming hostile.
As a society, we also take part in making others suppress their negative emotions. When a friend is depressed, we take them out shopping or for a drink to ‘cheer them up’. What we are really doing, is telling that person that it is not ok to be depressed. When a child cries, our first reaction is, ‘don’t cry, thats not as embarassing/ hurtful/ painful as you think’! Our whole focus is on supressing our emotions – whether sorrow, misery or anger. Some of us are so good at this, infact, that we believe we don’t feel these emotions at all!
A client recently mentioned to me how he envies his colleague, who is just never angry. Even in very difficult situations, he would at most become serious, but never rude or loud. What a wonderful person! But is this behaviour really good for him? Probably not. There is a very good chance he does feel angry, and feels frustrated that he cannot express it.
If there is an emotion you are quite confident you never feel, chances are you’ve got plenty of it just buried under several layers, waiting and hoping to be healed one day. But before we reach deep hidden and suppressed emotions, we’ve got to reach the ones above them! We’ve got to learn to let ourselves feel – by first acknowledging our emotions in the current situation, and then letting ourselves and our dear ones know that it is ok to feel bad, and that this feeling too shall pass.
What we all need to tell ourselves, is that unless we take care of ourselves, it is impossible that we take genuine care of others. While we do get ourselves into situations where we feel that we have no choice, this is nothing but an illusion, and often an excuse to escape harder choices. There is always a way out, and not only do we need to find it, but stick to it no matter how hard it is, for our own sakes and for the sakes of those we love. We’ve got to let family know we have our emotions, and are comfortable dealing with emotional pain. This is also a very important lesson for parents – if your children see you suppress your emotions, they will learn this from you and imitate it – if they see that you are comfortable with both positive and negative emotions, they will realise that negative emotions are not a reason to panic, and will go away just the way they came. This will not only ensure you have no suppressed emotions, but also help them grow as indivuals, better capable of handling not only a loved one’s emotional turbulence, but also their own.
The next time you feel depressed, angry or hurt, start by asking yourself what you are really feeling. Is the deeper emotion that of shame? Or did your ego get hurt that you allowed yourself to trust a phoney person? Or is it simply that one need is not being fulfilled? Once you come face to face with what you are really feeling, allow yourself to feel it, instead of getting appalled at your feelings and trying to fight them. Remind yourself that it is natural to feel this way in this particular situation, and that this feeling will pass in a while. With practice, this will come naturally to you, and not only with you deal with your own emotions, but also help others deal with their own!
The root cause of all our problems – whether mental, emotional or physical, lies in only one place – our mind. When something goes wrong, we tend to toss it in our minds, looking at the problem from all sides, analysing how it will devastate our lives, how things could get even worse, and so on. If one could just decide to stop thinking of it all, there would probably be no problems at all, but no, things just never seem to work that way.